Angelia -- be with you

A little surprise at the end of a hectic year?!

2011-11-03T20:34:00.002+08:00

Is it going to be, or is it not going to be?

I don't have the answer. It's a waiting game as far as I can see, so all I can do is to be patient and wait it out.

Yes yes, been telling myself not to 'count my chickens before they hatch'.... hehehe.

Hopeful,
A.

新的一年

2011-01-03T11:40:00.002+08:00

小時候，新的一年意味著許多‘新’的事物：新的班級、新的課本、新的老師、新的校服、校鞋、還有最重要的（對當時的我而言) - 新的書包。家境不算很好，一個書包得撐足一年，成績好的話，新書包就有着落了。還依稀記得自己每年都得花上好幾天，才能順利地寫上正確的年份。一整年下來，生活按著學期非常有規律。突然好懷念求學那段日子！

踏入社會工作以後，新的一年就少了那份喜悅和期盼。或許有些人還會坐下來回顧過去一年所發生的事，展望新的一年，對自己許下什麽承諾 - 新的一年裏該多做什麽，少做什麽，不做什麽。我似乎曾經也作過這等事，但也漸漸開始明白，人的牽絆實在太多了。除非你下定決心一意孤行，不去理會在乎的人的想法和感受，不然的話，想做的事並不一定就能做得到。久了，每年列出的承諾少了。如果你現在問我，明年有什麽想做的事，我是著實沒辦法給你一個完整或滿意的答復。

現在的我，倒是真正的體會到作爲一個女兒、妻子、母親，對新的一年的期許：

一家平安、健康。

心境平和、知足。

緊記感恩、施福。

新年快樂，自己詮釋的那一份快樂！

Conversations with my boy - Oct

2010-10-24T22:57:00.006+08:00

Yesterday evening, after turning out of expressway heading home. Ziping: This is not PIE! Me: Yes, this is not the expressway. Ziping: Mummy, can I take out seat belt now? Me: No. Ziping: Why?! I am so cross! Me: Look around you, everybody has their seat belts on in their cars. Show me which car doesn't have people in seat belts. Show me?! Ziping: Bus. People in the bus have no seat belts. Me: -_-"""

Ziping told me to tell papa about his deed. And when I went off to the other room and came back, Ziping asked, 'So what did my father say when you told him about it?' - 171010

In the bathroom bathing Ziping. He was playing with the scoop and 小毛巾 when he told me to '吵'. So obedient mummy did - I made noise. To which he said, '不要吵我! 我在做家务!' '我不可以跟你玩，我在抹地!' - 111010

After watching Toy Story 3, Ziping assured me, 'Everytime I buy new toys, I play with them together with my older toys!' - 161010

Hubby was using his phone to check the LTA news on traffic, to help me decide which route I should take to go home. Hubby read the information aloud 'vehicle breakdown at blah blah blah'... Ziping could not take a peak at hubby's phone, so he sighed loudly from the back of the car, 'I need to get an iPhone, like Papa,... so I can see vehicle breakdown!' - 081010

After being hurled a series of commands (Go bathe, Come shh-shh, Try and poo-poo before you bathe), Ziping raised his voice, 'I don't like you tell me what to do. Don't tell me what to do! I do myself!!' My retort? 'Do it yourself? Bathe yourself then. Go on! Can't even take off your shirt yourself and still say... I do myself' Which at this point hubby intervened... :-P - 051010

Ziping brought home a mini-guitar toy that came with Macdonald's Happy Meal (courtesy of Ah-Ma and Ah-Gong). He held up his guitar and said, 'This is gentle guitar'. 'Oh, gentle guitar' I said. And he continued, 'I was at Macdonald's for a long time, until Ziping chose me!' Ok... a talking gentle guitar, I reckon. ;-P - 041010

Was trying to tell Ziping the tale of how Momo became our 3rd cat - how she was a stray at our void deck, how we got her spayed and had her stay with us for a few days, after which papa felt attached to her and couldn't bear for her to go back into the 'wild'... and then Ziping asked, 'How about me?' - 031010

Ziping wanted to venture around the Killiney Kopitiam while we were seated, having a cuppa. I said OK. He got out of his seat, turned to me and said, 'Mummy, I am going to be late. Don't cry, I am going to be late.' And walk off. What the ***?!?! - 011010

Ziping and the 'Snakes'

2010-09-27T22:44:00.004+08:00

Picked up Ziping from my mum's and the first things that greeted in the living room were the two big bolsters. Turned out they were 'snakes', Ziping was doing a 'catching snakes' story, and he insisted on re-enacting the same story with my mum over and over again.

And the full story, Ziping told me, before he turned in for the night.

Ziping: And there were snakes at Ah-Ma feet.
Me: Snakes?
Ziping: And I be policeman, I catch the big snakes.
Me: You did?
Ziping: Yes, and I put them in the zoo.
Me: Good job!
Ziping: And many people 送 presents 给我!
Me: And why did the people give you presents?
Ziping: Because I am very brave!!

Ah! No wonder my mum was shaking Ziping's hand and giving him the tissue-box when I got to her place...

Conversations with my boy - Jul-Sep

2010-09-21T23:29:00.007+08:00

At the playground with Ziping.
Me to Ziping: Come on, dirty bum!
Ziping: Don't call me dirty bum!
Me: Ok, then what should I call you?
Ziping: CLEAN BUM! - 100710

We were ignoring Ziping's pleas to read another story at Kinokuniya, to take a detour to the basement toy fair, as it was time to go home. Unhappy, he declared loudly, 'NOBODY LOVE ME!' A pair of mother and daughter walking beside us burst out laughing (actually I did too) and exclaimed, 'So cute!!' - 160710

Ziping came home with orange stains on his school t-shirt.
Me: How did you dirty your shirt?
Ziping: I doing artwork.
Me: Oh, so what did you do for artwork?
Ziping: Draw smiley (pause) then this drop on my shirt.
Me: The paint?
Ziping: (nodded)
Me: Why did the paint drop on your shirt?
Ziping: Coz I not careful. - 200710

One of the 'senseless' conversations with Ziping in the car.
Ziping: Mummy, can you scold the policeman for me?
Me: Policeman? Why?
Ziping: Coz the policeman scold me.
Me: Why did the policeman scold you?
Ziping: Because the policeman don't like me.
Me: So where is the policeman?
Ziping: OUTSIDE!! - 050810

In the car, on the way to school on a Monday, after a long weekend.
Ziping: I miss Kaiser (his best friend).
Me: Oh, is Kaiser your friend?
Ziping: Yes... we fight sometimes, we play sometimes... we always 'heheee' laugh together!
His idea of friend is quite spot on! - 100810

This morning in the car.
Me: Wah, Ziping, sounds like you are having fun in school. Can mummy go to school with you tomorrow?
Ziping: But you are big already... you only go to school when you are smaller.
Me: Mummy cannot go to school because I am big already? But I want to go!
Ziping: (pauses)... Next week I make you smaller, mummy, so you can come to school with me... but you cannot go to work! - 190810

Ziping before he turned in for the night.
Ziping: Mummy, why are your things in my room? (pointed to the things I had on the piano in his room)
Me: Ok ok, when you get older, mummy will clear all my things and let you have your own room, ok?
Wa lau eh, notion of 'own room' at the age of 3?! - 240810

In the car.
Me: 车上有几个子萍?
Ziping: 两个!
Me: 哇！一个好的子萍，一个坏的子萍?
And what followed was Ziping saying 'Hello' in a very nice and polite tone, then another 'Hello' in an angry and rough tone, and repeating that for a good 5 minutes! - 020910

Tucking Ziping in bed. He was kicking his blanket, so I took it out of his bed.
Me: 你不要你的被，我把它拿掉了。
Ziping: 我要我的被！
Me: 等你睡了我才帮你盖。
Ziping: (paused for 2 seconds) 我睡了。 - 070910

At the dinner table. Ziping spit out the chicken I put in his mouth.
Me: Why did you spit out the chicken?
Ziping: (patting his tummy) My stomach is too full. It has too many things inside, until the chicken cannot go in anymore. - 100910

After dropping Ziping off at school this morning.
Ziping: Mummy, take care of yourself. Concentrate on the road when I not with you. I'm in school - 210910

Conversations with my boy - Apr-Jun

2010-09-21T23:12:00.005+08:00

Hubby took out umbrella as it was drizzling. He then told Ziping, '这是雨伞'. Ziping looked at the umbrella, paused, and started singing, '雨伞雨伞亮晶晶!' -_-'''' - 040410

Ziping, pretending to be his teacher at school, said, 'Mummy, you talk.'. And when I did as I was told, he turned to me and said, 'No talking', brought a sunflower sign to his mouth, then said, 'Shhh!' And the next thing you know, he took my hand and said, 'Mummy you need go toilet?' (following what his teacher assistant does in class - takes classmates to the toilet). When I said no, he sat down and asked, 'You ready to read book?' - 120410

Ziping was mesmerised by the little kitchen sets at Toys'R'Us. He started 'washing' his hands and 'cooking' food in front of one of these sets. Suddenly he turned to hubby and me and said, '2 plus 1 baby?', and 'ushered' us into the 'restaurant'. Hehehehehe! - 250410

Ziping held on to my handphone while I was driving us home. He pretended to talk to papa on the phone. 'Papa, we coming.' When I told him to tell papa that the traffic was bad, he said, 'Ya, stop, move, stop, move'. He got that right!! - 130510

Hubby left for China this morning for a 7-day trip with pupils. Before Ziping turned in for the night.
Ziping: I miss papa, mummy.
Me: Yes, I know. Papa miss you too.
Ziping: Papa miss me, papa miss you.
Me: :-) - 300510

Ziping before he turned in for the night.
Ziping: I love you mummy.
Me: Mummy was so fierce just now, you still love me?
Ziping: I very scared mummy angry, but I still love you... - 310510

At my sister-in-law's ROM.
Me: 姑姐 and Uncle Roy are getting married.
Ziping: Why they getting married?
Me: Because they love each other and want to live together.
Ziping: Just like mummy and daddy?
Me: Yes, that's right.
Ziping: Why I not getting married?
Me: Because you haven't found someone you love. Is there anyone you love that you want to get married to?
Ziping: Yes! Kaiser! (Kaiser is his best boy-friend in school) - 060610

Ziping told hubby yesterday, 'I love you, but I don't like you to eat my muffin. I love you papa. - 230610

Story of the day from my mum. My dad bought chocolate cake for Ziping today (Note: he's not supposed to have chocolate cake).
Ziping: Thank you Ah-Gong! (He started eating, and after 2 bites) I don't tell mama I eat chocolate cake ok? - 300610

Conversations with my boy - Jan-Mar

2010-09-21T23:00:00.003+08:00

Given a choice of whether to go with mama or papa tomorrow morning, Ziping replied, 'Mama go pick up Ah-ma see doctor, papa and baby (i.e. him) home play choo-choo'. - 220110

Ziping: (looking at BP Plaza from his car seat) I like this place.
Me: You like BP Plaza?
Ziping: Yes.
Me: Why do you like this place?
Ziping: Coz can watch many people, can walk walk.
Me and Hubby: (speechless) - 220210

After walking pass my neighbour's maid who is very interested in Ziping.
Ziping: I don't like jie-jie (sister in Mandarin).
Me: Why you don't like jie-jie?
Ziping: Coz jie-jie always want hug baby (i.e. him), baby don't like.
Me: -_-'' - 230210

Ziping has a female classmate named Dyuti (and he calls her Sushi) whom he plays with at school. Before he went to bed just now, he said, 'Sushi like me!' then buried his head in his pillow and giggled. - 040310

We were at Macdonald's for dinner, at Ziping's insistence.
Ziping: I like this place.
Me: Why do you like this place?
Ziping: Coz can eat and play, eat and play. (Pauses, then turns to hubby) Why do you like this place, papa? - 100310

Hubby: Next Friday is Ziping's school sports day.
Me: Ok, will take leave next Friday to watch him.
Ziping: I run (and he ran), scoop ball (did the action of scooping), run back (ran again) and pass ball to friend.
Hubby: ???
I thought hard, and then told hubby, 'He is telling you his relay game. I think teacher made them practice!' - 300310

Conversations with my boy - how it all started

2010-09-21T22:39:00.003+08:00

What started out as an attempt to note down the little conversations hubby and I have with Ziping turned out to be more than I had expected. Ziping was a late talker, by any standards. I was all ready to haul him to a speech and language therapist when he was approaching 2 years old, and still very little language expression came out from him, even though language comprehension-wise he was doing well in both Mandarin and English.

It was with great relief when Ziping finally started to speak - at 22 months, 2 months short of his second birthday. First words came, then 2 words, and before we knew it, he was already stringing words together to form sentences.

I first started noting down how these language expressions, in the form of spoken sentences, provide a window to the thought processes evident within the mind of that little 30-month old. At times, it was like 'Ah, so that's how he sees the world!'. 'Oh, so that's the association he has made with this particular concept or item.'

Facebook status updates became a convenient way for me to transpose my mental notes of these little snippets into physical, written notes. Since I started in Jan this year, I have noted close to 30 little conversations with my boy. And calls from friends prompted me to publish these little conversations on my blog.

I seriously do not know when this interest/habit/obsession would cease, but since I am at it, might as well start posting these. So here goes... ENJOY!

Elated,
A.

Ziping and the Snail

2010-09-15T23:58:00.001+08:00

子萍今天在车里用手做出蜗牛的形状 - 把手握成拳头，露出食指和中指作为眼睛。

子萍：这是蜗牛。

我：蜗牛，你好！蜗牛，你叫什么名字？

子萍：子萍蜗牛。

我：哦！子萍蜗牛住哪里啊？

子萍：呃，住在你家。

我：哇！住在我家？子萍蜗牛在我家住多久了？

子萍：呃，住很多年了。

我：哇！那你晚上睡哪里？

子萍：睡子萍的房间。

我：子萍的房间舒服吗？

子萍：舒服！

我：会热吗？

子萍：不会。。。有风扇。

我：会冷吗？

子萍：不会!

Ziping and the Moon

2010-09-12T23:57:00.001+08:00

We were in the car, on our way home today, when hubby pointed out the moon to Ziping. Hubby told Ziping to watch as the moon would 'follow' us wherever we go. ‘你看哦，我们走，月亮就走。我们停，月亮就停。’

Ziping listened, and then asked, 'Papa, 月亮 no 脚, how he move?' Papa: 'Er... 这个科学原理很复杂哦！’ Loosely translated, hubby told Ziping that there is a scientific explanation, but it may be too complicated for him to understand. I asked hubby to explain in simple terms.

I then turned to hubby to remind him that we have to return the library books by Monday. I suggested to Ziping that we go to the library to look for books on the moon then. Hubby asked Ziping if he remembered we borrowed a book about Moons (几米的《月亮忘记了》 translated and reprinted in English）.

Ziping answered, 'The Moon Forgot?' I said yes. Hubby was just saying how the book should be translated to 'The Moon has Forgotten' rather than 'The Moon Forgot', when Ziping interrupted, 'Mummy, we must go to the library and borrow 'The Moon Forgot''. 'Ok', I said. And he continued, 'Then you must put the book in the car, so that I can show 月亮the book, the book about him!'

Spread your wings and fly!

2010-08-24T23:09:00.000+08:00

Because you have been a colleague and a treasured friend for so many years. I smile and celebrate while you gear up and embark on a brand new journey. I am filled with as much anticipation as you, if not more, on your next lap. It's time to spread your wings and fly.

I still remember the old training room (Blk 1 Level 4, #04-09), where we had our first induction together in 2003 (I remembered we were a bumper crop that year), and I was delighted to meet a fellow 'Chua'. In fact, I thought there was another 'Chua' when I saw 'Choi' too. Imagine my disappointment... hehehe.

Remember one of our earliest projects was PEAL - the few days we spent at Greenwood Pri doing nothing but WORLD, PhAB, IAPA, and NNAT - don't ask me why, but this is one of the many treasured memories I have of us. :-) Come to think of it, I really owe you a big one. You always pick up where I left off, if you realise. I left 8 months later, went missing for a year. When I came back in 2004, even the director has changed! And my, did the director resemble you then!! :-P You got teased for quite some time. Pai seh.

I was dunked completely into SSN when I came back (2004-2007), and on hindsight that was one of the main reasons why we never got to work together. But I always admire your ability at work. Till now, I have not met another person who can do a presentation as well as you do - another one thing that's stuck on my LTM - the outstanding presentation shown at the Principal's Briefing I was made to emcee in 2006. Clear, succinct, great visuals, who else could have done it as well?!

You are also one person who is calm and unperturbed by external 'noise'. Always focused, always responsible, always the role model. And yes, trust me to go missing for another year, and when I came back, the DD has changed (seeing a pattern, I am). That year would turn out to be a gruelling one for you. Although I was not there (and of course, you would not be one who would want to keep me posted on what you were going through), boy was I glad and proud of the colleagues/friends who rallied around you. Of course, not all colleagues, and along the way there were those who 撤后腿, but you came through with your head held high.

I am still thankful for one of the things you told me, when I got back from my 'mothering' duties and came back part time (see, another one of those Jocelyn moments lodged in my mind) - that you found me changed. Somehow I was touched and grateful that you had acknowledged openly the 'mothering' effort I had put in, threw my career out the window, and gave a pat on my back. That was the mark of a true friend. And I am sure you did not realise how much impact that comment had on me.

As you go forth on your new journey in life, I hope the passion in your new endeavour grow and burn brightly, I wish you and your family good health, may the great one up there bless you with wisdom and inner peace, and the even greater one bestow you with LOVE!

Spread your wings and fly!

It was not meant to be...

2010-07-06T20:57:00.003+08:00

Finally, the verdict is out, after waiting out for 4 weeks. This was a pregnancy that was not meant to be.

Although I had geared myself up for the final verdict, I still felt sad when the ultrasound showed the tiny waterbag that had not grown in size since two weeks ago, and there was no foetal growth. I should have known. Had been spotting/bleeding lightly for the last three weeks, something that had never happened when I had Ziping.

Blighted ovum was the technical term used by my gynae.

Ziping and hubby were with me, and while gynae was looking at the ultrasound, Ziping gently asked, 'Baby?' Hubby and I had to tell Ziping that there's no baby. I was quite thankful that he was still too young to understand and feel any loss.

Hubby was very supportive. He told me not to be sad, and told me that 人有几个孩子是注定的. He clamoured to take leave to accompany me for the minor procedure tomorrow, to remove the sac via suction, although I assured him that I would be fine going by myself.

The best words of kindness came from one colleague - When you get back, we shall go get drunk on 'teh'!! That really brought on a smile. :-)

Yes, I am a tea-addict, and for the past few weeks I have cut down tea consumption to merely 1 cup per day.

Ok. So it was not meant to be. Life goes on, and I will make sure it's better EVERY DAY!

A.

Love

2010-04-04T00:31:00.005+08:00

Falling in love

I have always maintained that in order to fall in love, one must be irrational. A rational brain will tell you that love does not add up. You put in so much time and effort to love someone, and what do you get in return? Someone who wants more from you! If you are lucky, that someone may put in as much time and effort on you, but more often than not, you'd be giving more than you are receiving.

Ah, but the ONE who creates us is clever enough to entice us into falling in love - the anticipation, the emotional connectedness, the sensation, the gratification, the pain, the eventual gain, etc. etc. etc.

Falling out of love
I don't know how to define when love starts or stops. I confess. I have not really experienced being out of love...yet. I have only really been in love once, with my then boyfriend now hubby, for the past (counting...) 19 years.

Lucky? Either that, or that there's been many different points in our lives where we had the opportunities to affirm and reaffirm our love for each other.

I guess for some people, there may come a time when you 'don't love him/her anymore'. Then what happens? Go your separate ways? Is it that easy to walk out of a relationship, unscathed or minimally scathed?

A.

Critical Friends

2010-01-28T23:31:00.002+08:00

I am really happy at work.

Now this sounds really weird, coming from me. I am never happy about work. There are always things that I'd like to spend more time and effort on, and I have been asked to do things that are just unbelievable. I would like work to feature less in my life, so that family can take the centre-stage.

It's my 7th year in my workplace. Scary thought, to think that I had been in one place for so long. If there's anything I'd be proud to share, I have made some solid critical friends in the 6 years (strictly speaking, it's been 4 - 1 year spent overseas doing Masters, 1 year spent on maternity/no-pay for Ziping). I have no qualms seeking clarification / help / opinion over work matters. I speak freely about my personal thoughts about professional issues, I enjoy the cerebral and sometimes not-so-cerebral conversations I have with my work mates.

I will almost always have alternative views to counter mine, and we could spend the next 30 minutes arguing out our stand, and leave the conversation satisfied. It's not about who wins the argument, it's more about exchange of our inner thoughts to matters that resonate in our hearts, but may never get resolved. :-P

I have been trying hard to think back to how/what contributed to this development of firm friendship and camaraderie. I guess I will be spending some time thinking about this.

Ahhh!! I love working with psychologists! :-)

A.

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

2010-01-11T22:51:00.003+08:00

It's been a 2-month hiatus since my last blog, and I suddenly realised that I do not blog when I am unhappy and burdened. Personal revelation!

Sure, I have b*tched about work and moaned about motherhood through my many entries, but I usually have my resolve, and am not burdened or worried or undecided.

The last two months of the year was a test of my family togetherness. Through thick and thin, that's what families should do... Stand by one another, bite the bullet, and face the roughest tide. My family went through one such crisis , and I am ever so thankful that we came out of it stronger, more affirmative of the importance of one another in our lives, and so hoping that there will NOT be a second time. My weak heart just can't take this much pressure, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

Sometimes the one up there works its way so beautifully, you could only label it 'divine intervention'. At a stage where I was lost as to what I should do (the right but painful thing, or the easier and less painful alternative), the one up there sent its message to me so loud and clear, yet so subtle and gentle, I would not believe that it was pure coincidence.

At least all's well before the end of 2009, and I am more than happy to sing Auld Lang Syne to a long year. It's been a year of hard work -- trying to achieve the all-elusive WORK-LIFE balance. Judging by the amount of late work I turned in in 2009, no prizes for guessing which side of the balance I chose. :-P While work was pure work, life was far less straightforward. Time with my now 30-month-old son, time with hubby, time with my family, time for myself...... oops forgot the last one in the 2009 equation!!

So before I know it, it's HELLO 2010!

I am not one to make new year resolutions, but there are some things I would like to see myself doing in the next year:

Be available, for family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, strangers, stray cats... when I am needed.

Be present, at work where I am most useful.

Be kind, to myself and to others. Time to take care of this physical shell that is housing a life-loving soul. Time to seize this tongue of mine, refrain from sarcasm (I promise to do less, I will die if I stop), and start being more forgiving.

Looking forward to my 10-year wedding anniversary, Ziping's 3rd birthday, more personal revelations, and a smooth and not-too-eventful year ahead!!

Cheers,
A.

Insight into Zee Peng's Cognition

2009-11-03T23:22:00.002+08:00

This just happened today.

Time: 4.45pm
While leaving Ah Ma's house, Zee Peng wanted to feed the stray cats by the lifts. I told him that there was very little cat food left (pai seh, I have a box of cat food in my car boot), and had to go and buy cat food.

Zee Peng repeated 'Buy cat food'. And I said yes, buy cat food.

Went to fetch hubby from school, went for dinner, went grocery shopping, went home, and we did not get the cat food, as promised.

Time: 9.00pm
Zee Peng was falling asleep in his cot, and there I was accompanying him, when suddenly, out comes 'Oh oh! Buy cat food! Oh oh!' And he covered his mouth with his hands, and giggled. 'Mama, oh oh! Buy cat food! Oh oh!'

Oh my! He remembered, and what's more, he was able to display the exact emotions (verbal intonation, physical gesture, the works) when you suddenly remembered something you should have done!!

Bravo to the 27-month-old!

Amazed,
A.

Finally, I will have worked off my BOND!

2009-09-28T01:46:00.003+08:00

I would have completed my 4-year bond (yes, went on my postgraduate course on gar-ma-ment money), if not for the slight disruption... birth of Ah Boy, a year ago.

I think I had about 8 months' bond to go, before I went on a 9-month childcare leave. I then returned to work on 2/3 part-time work arrangement. Sent an email to Personnel a month ago, and finally, a month later (erm, yes, it took Personnel a month to get back to me on my end-of-bond date), I got my reply!

My bond will end when September ends!

无bond一身轻！:-)

Relieved,
A.

And then he turns 26 months

2009-09-13T23:51:00.000+08:00

In 5 days' time, Zee Peng turns 26 months.
Oh my god, I must say time really flies. One moment, we were thinking about getting things ready for his 2nd birthday, and the next thing you know, he's 2 months past 2 years old!!

Life is not exactly a breeze, I must say, trying to stay afloat at work, while still making sure that I am with Zee Peng every step of the way, from the time he wakes up to the time he falls asleep, every day, 7 days a week, no break in between. Looking at Zee Peng growing and learning each day, seeing him developing physically and mentally, emotionally and socially. Happy and secure, good-natured and inquisitive.

It's a lot of hard work, it's 'bye' to whatever career plans for now, but it's worth it!

A.

Investment of TIME

2009-08-16T23:27:00.001+08:00

It was rather exasperating.
There I was at the meeting with the dad, after observing the target child in class. Target child was diagnosed with ASD 3 years ago. His second year in school and he is not coping academically.

Earlier on, when I observed the child in class, he was a happy sight. Mild-mannered, awkward gaze at people, but perfectly able to understand and follow teacher's instructions, and fully participated in the group game led by the teacher. Although not able to contribute fully in the pair-work, he stayed at his seat, and watched his partner do the work. He helped by pasting the pictures onto the worksheet. In other words, minimal behavioural problems. He could read, but currently has difficulties with comprehension.

3 years on after the initial ASD diagnosis, what have the parents done? Taken him to some early intervention programmes, went through some speech and language therapy, but all stopped because dad says 'see no progress'. Parents then proceeded to send him to a child centre at 6. Dad seemed very happy that child had picked up social and communication skills at the child care centre. What happens when he starts P1? Spends half a day in school, and the other half at the before-after school care. He goes home only at 7pm.

'You have an only child with ASD, and all you have done as parents was to send him ELSEWHERE so that OTHER PEOPLE can help teach your son?!?!' I was slowly fuming inside. 'So what does your child do on weekends?' I asked. FULL DAY of tuition from 9 to 5 on Saturday, and Sunday is rest day for the child, where father will take him wherever he would like to go (current craze is the airport where there's lots of brochures full of maps). What can I say... What can I say?

How much time you invest on your kid will determine what returns you get. This is true of your average child, and it's even more true for kids with special needs. Why do we label these children as having 'learning disabilities'? It's plain English - they are disabled in their learning. They need adult intervention to help them learn better, because left on their own, they will not have the ability to pick up learning strategies, improve on them, and become independent learners all by themselves. Your average child can, your child with special needs can't. If you are currently unwilling to invest time on your child, this is what you will get. A struggling kid in school. My heart did ache for this boy, because all he needs is more one-to-one guidance to help him pick up learning strategies and problem-solving skills. He is not intellectually slow, neither does he exhibit behavioural problems that prevent learning. But there he is, the dad, saying that if the school really don't want his child, then he will send the child to a special school.

HALO!! Your kid does not need a special school, he needs significant adults in his life who are willing to sacrifice their time now to help him navigate in his world of learning.

And that's why I lament, if you don't invest time in your kids now, then when?!

Exasperated,
A.

Excerpts of my mid-year WR

2009-07-30T23:36:00.000+08:00

Boss: So how are things?
Me: Hahahaha (nervously)... ok lar

Boss: Big boss said,'Huh? Angelia still on part-time? When is she coming back full-time?'
Me: (eyes BIG BIG)... Er... Sorry ah, next year not possible ah.... Full-time? Unless big boss come and look after my boy lah!

(AWKWARD SILENCE)

Me: (must slowly slowly get to where I want to go). Next year not possible lah... maybe the year after?
Boss: The year after?
Me: Yah, but big boss must pray that I don't have a second one....

(SILENCE)

Boss: So how about PhD?
Me: (Shook HEAD vigorously)

Boss: So what is your 5-year plan?
Me: Erm... go back to school?

Sigh... and your good friend here had a WHOLE lecture (complete with graphics) on why I should stay where I am until I am guaranteed to go back to school as VP or P....

The moral of the story.......

WAIT LONG LONG!~!~!~!~!

My Boy - II

2009-06-10T00:15:00.004+08:00

The verdict is out.

Ziping has an amazing memory for places.

It started early this year.
Everyday I send Ziping to his pre-nursery school. I would take the PIE and exit at Sims Ave, the same exit I use when I go to my mum's place. The only difference - I would turn right at the Lorong 5 Geylang junction if I were to go to my mum's place. I would head straight through the same junction to get to Ziping's school.

For many consecutive days, my boy would point to his right whenever I reach the Lorong 5 Geylang junction, and make a lot of noise (showing displeasure). At first I thought it was him being uncomfortable in his seat. It didn't take long before I realised that he was pointing to his right everytime I reach the junction. I finally realised that he was 'telling' me that I should be turning right to AH MA's house (which he used be at, before he started pre-nursery). I had to tell him a couple of times that we were going to school, rather than going to AH MA's house, and now he knows.

Yesterday I brought AH MA and Ziping to the new Tampines 1. Hubby and I had brought Ziping to Tampines 1 a few weeks back. My mum had been there for dinner, but did not have a chance to shop around (it was too late by the time she finished her dinner), so I decided to bring her a second time, specifically to Uniqlo.

Walked past United Kids, and my boy went all excited. He went straight to the Thomas the Tank Engine Corner, and spent time browsing through all the engines. We walked around the aisles in the toy section, and I just said in passing,' Ziping, remember the chair we saw the other time we were here?'

He looked at me, and immediately turned to his right, and ran straight towards the back of the store (we had been walking around the entrance of the store). My mum and I followed, and true enough, he got to the 'chair' I was referring to, right at the corner of the store. The last time we came, there was a 'Farlin' toddler chair that had squeaky upholstery - it squeaks when you sit on it. And there he was, drumming on the upholstery with his bum, showing my mum how it works.

It was just a casual remark, and I had no idea he would remember! Oh boy, oh boy... I am not exactly sure just how much he remembers, but I really cross my fingers and hope that he does not remember all the colourful words I use whenever I am behind the wheel!?

Amazed,
A.

The Departures

2009-06-01T22:59:00.003+08:00

Been faced with lots of 'goodbyes' the past few weeks. One by one, my colleagues have decided what was more important in their lives at this point in time - their children.

Two of my colleagues opted to do part-time work 2 years ago, but apparently they still get snowed under by all the work. One started doing 1/2 time, then increased it to 2/3 part time work arrangement. The other started 2/3 time, then increased it to 3/4 work arrangement. Despite their apparent decision to put their career on hold to spend more time with their young children (both are proud mothers of 2 kids each), work just keeps piling up on them. I will always remember what my supervisor told me when I first announced my decision to opt for part time work arrangement - PART TIME WORK ARRANGEMENT DOES NOT MEAN PART TIME WORKLOAD. How blatant but true.

It does not matter that we are getting paid part time. It does not matter that our part time hours are stated in black and white. Management's argument? All our full-time colleagues have their stated working hours as 42 hours per week, but all of them put in more than 42 hours. Naturally, I cannot be expected to be paid for 28 hours per week (my 2/3 work arrangement) and just work 28 hours.

When push comes to shove, people have to make painful but calculated decisions, and their decisions were all but the same - leave the organisation. How many more departures will it take before management realise that they are not dealing with 'normal' employees? We are a group of educationists who have undergone postgraduate studies in educational psychology. More than anyone else, we are the ones who have seen and realised the importance of parents in a child's early development. More than anyone else, we have seen the differences made to children, whether or not their parents have been actively participative in their lives.

The more years that I have been hanging around assessing kids' intellectual abilities, the more I am convinced that nurture is just as important, if not more important, than nature.

So I applaud my colleagues who know clearly what is important in their lives, and take the bold step out of their comfort zone. While I lament the loss of good friends and excellent professionals (it is indeed my organisation's loss), I am happy that their children have someone who will be there for them, who will see them through their most important early years, and will have someone they will really respect and love and wholeheartedly call them 'MUMMY'!

A.

My Boy

2009-04-04T23:18:00.003+08:00

It is sad but true.

It is not good/not right/not fair to compare, but we sometimes do not appreciate what we have until we make comparisons.

Ziping was scheduled for his hernia operation yesterday morning. We were initially afraid that he would be cranky as he needed to abstain from food and water in preparation for the op. Despite the food and water deprivation, Ziping arrived at the hospital in a pretty good mood. In fact, he was playing peek-a-boo with the admissions officer using the swivel chair.

He did fuss a little when he caught sight of his bag (and knew I had packed biscuits) but we did not allow him access. Thankfully he was distracted when I brought him to the toilet in the ward to play with the 'motion-activated' paper towel dispenser.

We changed him, and played with him, till it was his turn to go to the operating theatre. He waited quietly outside the op theatre until his turn. Throughout this 2-hour wait, Ziping hardly made a noise or fussed.

Hubby and I never thought too much of it, until we saw the next toddler coming in for another day surgery. The toddler looked to be a few months older than Ziping, and he was already crying and screaming when he came with his parents. He was in his pyjamas, still had his shoes on, was seated in his stroller, and apparently his parents could not get him to change at all. The moment his mum mentioned changing, he would start wailing and shrieking at the top of his voice, and would insist on getting out of the op theatre waiting area. The crying and wailing and shrieking came and went, came and went. He shrieked all the way into the operating theatre.

At that point hubby and I really counted our blessings. The only instant Ziping cried was when I carried him into the theatre, and I started wrapping the blanket around his body. He knew something was coming, and absolutely hated the gas mask... He cried for a total of 2 mins?

Hubby and I must really remind ourselves to appreciate our boy, even though at times we feel that he falls below our expectations.

Appreciative,
A.

n.b. Ziping woke up after the surgery, and immediately downed a bottle of water, and cleaned out the biscuits I brought along. That's my boy!!

Confessions of a Worried Working Mother

2009-04-02T21:53:00.007+08:00

The last three weeks have been a blur.

First it sounded simple enough. There is a 5-day conference in LA. Right smack during the March Holidays. Boss asked, 'Can you go? Directly related to your work.' Hubby said timing was good, as he had no school, and would be around to take care of Ziping. It would have been a straight 'NO' had it been on school days. You see, hubby and I are about the only few working parents who
a) do not live with parents; and
b) do not have a maid.

Hubby said yes, I thought it'd be good to go for this round, so it'd take a few years before management makes me go on another overseas trip...

I took off to LA leaving Ziping with hubby. Mum helped out during the day... hubby would bring Ziping to pre-nursery, mum would fetch him home at noon, and hubby brings Ziping back in the evening. 7 days whizzed past, and I got to catch Ziping on the webcam on a few nights (he couldn't see me coz my company laptop just wouldn't provide enough access to install webcam... &*^^&*R%&^%!!), skype with my husband and mum, and was pretty happy that things went ok while I was away.

Then it happened. On Sunday, the day before I came back, Ziping ran a high fever, vomitted a couple of times, and my hubby had to call my mum to come over at night coz he needed an extra pair of hands, and Ziping was really feeling unwell.

I came home at about 1.30am on Monday, left my luggage and all intact, and plunged straight into 'mothering' role. His temperature fluctuated throughout the night and he could not sleep well. I stayed up through the night -- well, if there's anything that can cure jet-lag... it's the prolonged deprivation of sleep!!

Zipped straight to the paediatrician, and Ziping was still running a high fever. Ziping was given a dose of medication to bring the temperature down, even before he got to see the doctor. It was apparently a bad bout of flu. I stayed home the next few days to take care of him, all this while feeling guilty to have left him and gone on an overseas work trip. I know he would still have caught the flu bug, and he would still have been down with the illness. I just couldn't help feeling guilty.

I paid my dues. For the one week I went to LA without Ziping, I spent the following week staying at home and nursing him back to health. Ah, but that's not all. We found out from the paediatrician that the recurring bulge on Ziping's right groin was actually inguinal hernia, so immediately after his fever had subsided, we had to take him to the paediatric surgeon.

It's a simple procedure, said the doc. Just a 1.5cm incision, cut through the muscle and tissue, push the intestine back, and sew up the hole. Ya, easy for him to say that. I am sure he had done the procedure over a few hundred times. Hubby and I were just worried about the possible risks - the op, the GA, the ordeal. So young, and yet must go under the knife!! Poor boy...

But we agreed it had to be done, and scheduled the surgery for as early as possible. Ziping just had his surgery yesterday morning. He is now running a slight fever, and hubby and I are on high alert. Otherwise he is cheerful, and eats well. A little weak though, not running around as much as he does normally.

He's just 20-months old. And there's still soooo many years of worrying I have to do as a mother!! Oh my gawd!!!!!

A.

Learning Points from this Conference

2009-03-21T22:49:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder what is real agenda behind sending people off for conferences. I mean, yes, we put up a proposal, we state the reasons for choosing to attend certain conferences, but really, in the first place did I really choose to go for that particular conference? Or was it more like the boss going 'it's been a few years since you last went for one', 'there's one coming up that I think you should go', 'we need to use up the training funds, so go!'.

Whatever the case is, I am glad I attended this conference.

There are some learning points gleaned from this conference that will never ever make it to the podium, whether internal or external audience. It is sad but true. Nobody likes to hear the truth. Nobody. But I feel compelled to document how I really feel, what I really learn from this conference.

I happen to be in LA now, approaching the last day of the CSUN's (pronounced see-sun) 24th International Technology and Persons with Disabilities Conference. I think I may sound a little rude and insensitive here, but no offense, this is the first time in my life that I am in a general social setting surrounded by the visually, auditory, and physically challenged. After a week in this place, I still marvel at how independent these people are, truly no different from the sighted, hearing, and physically abled, i.e. you and I.

I am surrounded by people with canes, guide dogs, and I quickly learned (vicariously within the first day) appropriate social behaviours to display when I am with them. I am a little ashamed to say this. I actually waited for others to offer help on the first day of the pre-conference workshop? Totally embarrassing, and I truly reflected on my avoidance behaviours that night. Anyway, I speak a little louder to let them know that there is somebody around. I indicate that I will guide them by bringing myself physically closer to them, and offering my elbow, I talk through where I am going, what I am seeing, while walking with them, and finally I announce my departure when I have brought them to where they would like to be.

It just takes exposure for the sighted to know what the visually challenged people need. They have come to the conference to learn more about assistive technology advances, largely because of their occupation. Many are assistive technology specialists, orientation and mobility trainers, many work in companies that are producing and selling assistive technology for the blind. Others work in school districts or state agencies. Which makes me wonder - where are they in Singapore? Except for Chen Wei Lian who has made a name for himself through the singing competition, and a university professor that I know working in our local U, seriously where are the rest?

It is really sad when I realise what's the problem with our society. I always pay lip service to say the right thing, but we never really do the right thing. I mean, as much as we would like to say 'ah, full inclusion is not something that will benefit the society, yadaa yadaa yadaa', full inclusion, and the full committment to carry that out across settings and throughout society, has led to what I am seeing right now. We pride ourselves for getting to the top spot at International Science and Math Assessments. Of course we should. Look who are the ones taking these assessments? The fully sighted, auditory, and physically abled people. Do we have any of the test takers taking these international assessments in alternative formats? In large print? In Braille? Through computer scanning devices or eye gazers for the physically challenged?

All textbooks produced for mainstream schools must adhere to standards, that require publishers to provide source files for these textbooks to be easily converted into alternative formats. There are assistive technology specialists working in both mainstream and special school settings to see how technology can enhance the accessibility of learning in those settings. Employment agencies provide support to ensure that people with disabilities are provided access to employment and training opportunities. What do we do?

I see assistive technology devices, literacy and numeracy programmes being developed for people with moderate to profound cognitive disabilities, so that they have equal access to independent living, which is the goal for the society as a whole.

What do we do?

Even the smallest, most trivial matters taunt me.
We have been talking about going green, saving trees, etc. We still print in large volumes... handouts (2 slides per page, cannot be too small, people cannot see, etc.), reports, whatever. Throughout this conference, all handouts only have bulleted points gleaned from the powerpoint slides, so that less paper is printed. Some don't give handouts, they send the softcopy to audience who leave their contact email. All handouts are printed two sides.

Us? As usual, we only pay lip service to all these things, don't we all?

A.

Alone in LA

2009-03-17T09:25:00.002+08:00

I can't tell you how relieved I was, when my connecting flight to LA was cancelled. No, I was actually pissed. I had to stand in line for nearly 2 hours, before I got transferred to a flight to Seattle, followed by another flight to Los Angeles.

I was relieved because I did not bring Ah Boy along. Despite calls to bring Ah Boy and hubby to LA with me, both hubby and I decided not to. For hubby, it's the long haul flight which may be a little too hard to bear for Ah Boy. For me, it's just that I will be stuck at the Airport Hotel, where the conference is being held. I just checked out the neighbourhood. 5-min walk to a Burger King joint, 20-min walk to the nearest 7-11. All around the hotel there's just rental car depots.

6 hours on the flight, 2 hours in the queue (no food, drink, toilet break), 9 hours to Seattle, another 3 hours to LA. The domestic flight from Seattle to LA required passengers to walk on the tarmac up the flight. It was chilly, Seattle. Drizzling, strong winds, 5 degree celsius... As I stood there waiting to get into the crammed domestic flight (2 seats on either aisle), I wonder what my hubby would have said if we were to have brought Ah Boy along. :-P

So although I have to bear being alone in LA for the next 5 days, I am quite thankful that I am alone.

Phew,
A.

Got Tagged, Again

2009-02-09T23:40:00.002+08:00

Kena tagged again by my sis. Well, here goes.

According to your age, list down the number of things that most people don't know about you. And then tag 5 people.

Grrrrrr, and I am 11 years older than my sis!! Wreck my brains, wreck my brains.

1. I was featured in the local newspaper thrice, all when I was still a kid.

2. I have a secret wish ever since I was a kid -- if I ever get a second shot at life, I want to be born a boy!

3. I had considered joining the army after I completed University, but this option was immediately vetoed by my father, who has never disagreed with my decisions in life, except for this one.

4. I play the piano, and I used to play really well. I was preparing for my Grade 8 Practical Exam in Secondary 4, but I completely neglected my piano practice as I was fully engrossed in my CCA then - NPCC. As a result I flunked the exam, and I stopped piano lessons altogether after that.

5. I became a mainstream school teacher, although I had really wanted to be a special education teacher, because I needed to earn enough to ease off some financial burden in the family.

6. Having said that, I still think that once the financial responsibility diminishes over time, I will answer my original calling in like 20-25 years' time. Hehehehe.

7. I was not allowed to wear jeans when I was in secondary school, because my mum felt that I was too boyish at that time, and to her, me wearing jeans would make it worse.

8. I used to sport really short hair in my secondary school days (my days of NPCC). I went to the ladies once, at Ang Mo Kio KFC, and the cleaning lady took a look at me, and said, 'Ah di (little brother in hokkien), male toilet at the other side!'

9. My mistaken gender did not end there. There was an overseas school trip in Sec 3, so I had to get my passport done at the old ICA (located in Joo Chiat Complex, wah lau, I damn old!). When it was my turn, the counter staff asked me for my mother. She had intended for my mum to sign some documents meant for NS documentation or something. She then did a second take, and asked loudly, 'You girl ah? Alamak I thought you boy! Aiyah...'. To add salt to wound, she then took a pen, wrote a big 'F' on the top right hand corner of the application form, to indicate that I am a female applicant!!!

10. My first major crush in life was a girl. :-P

11. I did poorly in my 'A' levels. Not to the point of failing, but compared to my classmates, I think I had the worst results in class.

12. I care a lot (maybe too much) about how others view me.

13. I cry a lot, because I cry too damn easily. I cry when I watch movies, listen to music, read... very emotional (I look a lot tougher).

14. I am a big-time procrastinator when it comes to doing work.

15. My greatest motivation in life is making my parents, especially my dad, proud.

16. My tea addiction dates back to when I was 2. No joke, introduced to teh-O by my grandmother, and was hooked on teh since.

17. I love flowers.

18. I indulge my parents quite a bit (food, clothes, travel, etc.). I think a large part is due to the fact that my beloved grandmother passed away the same year I graduated from U, and the exact month I started my career as a Trainee Teacher. I never got over the 遗憾，that the opportunity to provide for her, for her years spent looking after me, was stripped from me just like that. I guess that explains why for my parents, it's provide now and provide whatever.

19. I would make a great service staff in the F & B industry, trust me. Was working as a waitress through my undergraduate days, and that made me realise I am very service-oriented.

20. Beauty, or brains? BEAUTY, of course, bird brain!!

21. I have a soft spot for quiet guys. Quiet, and hard at work. Strong and silent type?!

22. It could be because I am noisy and loud. I can only take that much of noise and loudness from guys. Can't stand men who are too talkative.

23. I like guys who have visible veins on their arms. *gulp*

24. I am like water... I fit into the shape of the container that holds me. I don't have any strong personal interests or hobbies, and am fine just doing the stuff that others are doing.

25. When I was four, my ambition was to become a singer.

26. My ambition then changed to engineer, as it rhymed with my name Angelia. Engineer - Angelia.

27. At 18, when asked what I wanted to be, by my JC friend, I blurted out 'psychologist'. Never thought it would come true, but it did.

28. Generally I work well with people. I say 'generally', because in the course of my worklife, I have singled out 2 people (2 in 12 years not bad liao) whom I don't.

29. I suspect one reason why I really love teaching in school, is that I got to work with male bosses (PE HOD usually male mah), and they usually leave me to do the work assigned, and not micro-manage.

30. I am not a conventional worker. I need some leeway to do things my way.

31. I do last-minute work most of the time. However doing last minute work does not mean I was idling. I tend to do a lot of thinking before I start the actual doing.

32. I love to lead. It's not about the glory of being called a leader. I get a high when I am able to rally people around me to work towards a common goal, and create an environment where work is peppered with fun and laughter and pride.

33. I would have been a Chinese teacher, if Chinese was not taught as a specialisation at NIE (which meant I could not take up another curriculum study). I wanted too much to teach PE, and so ended up teaching PE and English instead.

34. I miss teaching.

2nd CNY for Zee Peng!

2009-02-01T00:38:00.004+08:00

Zee Peng attends School

2009-01-15T22:20:00.000+08:00

Zee Peng turns 18 months on the 18th.

Zee Peng has started going to school at 17 and 1/2 months (started last Monday).

I know I know, many would be shaking their heads and thinking... wah lau eh, this mother damn kiasu. Kid so young already send school!! My own mother even calls me 'zek ark' (means cruel in hokkien). :-P

I do have my reasons for starting Zee Peng early, and it's not about getting him to have a head start. Far from it!

Currently my mother takes care of Zee Peng when I am at work. As Zee Peng grows older, he actually becomes more difficult to care for. His mobility means that my mum has to chase him around to ensure that he is out of danger's way. That, I tell you, is no mean feat. As it is right now, my mum has lost 4 inches around her waist, and she is sound asleep every night, simply because it is exhausting looking after a toddler. In addition, as Zee Peng's mind becomes more active, his senses become more accomplished, and he becomes more mobile, it is inevitable that he would want to move around, and move around a lot, and explore things around him without any knowledge of danger.

Hence the decision to send him to school. While my mum would get her mornings free and less strenuous, Zee Peng would get a chance to explore and learn through play in a safe environment. Being in school also means that he gets to learn structure, and gets to play with other toddlers. Social development for the young one, good. If he is at home, the world is at his beck and call, if you get what I mean.

Like what all mothers have warned me, the time Zee Peng steps into school will be the time of illness and infections. After a week and a half, he is down with the flu virus, and has stayed away from school for the past 2 days. I take it as immunity system building! :-)

Zee Peng is quite an independent toddler. He doesn't cry for mummy. He is already used to saying goodbye to mummy every morning, and he knows that I will come get him in the afternoon. I think he is more inseparable with my mum in the morning. Fortunately, as observed by the pre-nursery teachers, Zee Peng is easily distracted by a toy or an activity. He could be looking for my mum one minute (when my mum steps away from his class), and his teachers would find something to distract him, and he would forget that he was looking for my mum a moment ago. I think this level of distractibility, at this age, helps him cope with school.

On the first day of school, he already surprised us by dutifully sitting on the small stool provided by the teacher, when the teacher told the kids to sit down while she measures their temperature. He also ate his lunch by himself, which to me was a big surprise, as he had just learnt self-feeding two weeks before.

I think what surprised hubby and I most was that, by the end of the first week of school, Zee Peng has learnt to take his position, seated on the stool placed next to our home door, waiting for us to help him with his shoes, when we simply announced that we are ready to leave the house, and that he needs to wear his shoes.

Here's hoping that Zee Peng recovers from his bout of flu soon, and he can go back to school next Monday! :-D

A.

Oh my oh my!!

2008-12-28T22:58:00.002+08:00

Oh my, oh my! How time flies.

December is busy busy busy. Busy making full use of the time I have on hand to spend time with my family, busy recharging, busy trying (unsuccessfully) to clear my work.

This time last year, Zee Peng was 5 months old, had learnt to roll over and sit up, and had a steady social smile... 12 months later, he just picked up the nail clipper from the coffee table the other day, came over to me, bent down, pulled up my foot, and brought the nail clipper to my toenails. It was amazing.

This little boy has grown. He goes to the fridge and points to it if I should mention words like 'yoghurt' or 'milk' or 'cheese' to his papa. He comes over to monitor the clothes dryer when it's spinning, and enjoys helping me bring the clothes out of the dryer and over to the bedroom. This morning, while I was brushing my teeth, I turned and realised he had taken the cat litter scoop from the wall hook, put it into the cat litter tray, and was trying to scoop up the cat poo... yipes!!!

Hubby and I half suspects that Zee Peng understands everything that we say, only that he hasn't started verbalising words. Hubby is a little upset that Zee Peng mouths 'dehdeh' instead of 'baba', and thinks it's because my mum says 'daddy' to him most of the time. Zee Peng only says 'mama' when he is distressed. But he does say 'dare' clearly whenever you ask him where he wants to go, or where mummy's car is, complete with his pointing finger.

It's certainly been an interesting year for me -- juggling between work and home is no joke, and it has not been easy. Keeping my multiple roles in check while making sure that I can still hear 'my' own voice is proving to be a challenge.

Things will keep changing, priorities will be constantly be adjusted (and readjusted), oh my oh my, that's life!!

A.

Noticing Parenting Styles

2008-11-30T07:57:00.002+08:00

Brought Zee Peng to the playground yesterday morning with hubby. He loves the playground, and the apparatus that allows him to climb and slide and climb and slide some more. :-) Both hubby and I noticed the lady who was seated on one of the benches near the playground, reading her papers. We then realised that she had with her the domestic helper and her young son (about 3, I guess). The lady was telling her son to go play, or else they will go home. The son was hovering around her, you see. The domestic helper's job, I guess, was to accompany her son while she READS THE PAPERS.

DUH!

I am sorry, but judging by how well-groomed the lady was, even on a Saturday morning, I believe she is a working mother. After a full week of work, I thought the least she could do was to put her bl**dy papers down, and go play with her son! Poor boy sees the domestic helper day and night, and now he is supposed to BOND with her somemore at the playground?!?! I mean, if you want to read the papers, might as well go back to your home!! :-P

And the other time we brought Zee Peng for his haircut, it was at this haircut salon specially for children. When we got there, there was already a queue. 2 families were there, with same composition: 1 mother, 2 children, 2 domestic helpers (darn good life, you'd reckon!). Yes, 2 domestic helpers each. I hate it when I become this spy-nanny, but anyways...

For one family, only one child got his haircut. At the end of the haircut, kids are entitled to one sticker sheet. On the wall was a notice that said -- one sticker sheet per haircut. Boy finished his haircut, haircut lady told the boy to go get a sticker. Mother went to the wall with son, and she took 2. TWO! One for her son, and the other for her daughter.

Erm, which part of the 'one sticker sheet per haircut' did she not understand?! Even if the daughter had asked for a sticker, she could have used that opportunity to teach her daughter about following rules! And it was a great opportunity to teach her kids to share. Only brother got a haircut and a sticker sheet, but brother could have shared his stickers with little sister. No?

Sigh! And at the end of Zee Peng's haircut, the salon was strewn with toys. The salon has 2 full boxes of toys for kids to play... And what did this mama do? This mama went about keeping all the toys, including the ones taken out by the previous families' kids. Ya, the previous families which had altogether 4 domestic helpers... and none thought to keep the toys after playing.

Zee Peng is too young to keep the toys, but I guess it's never too early to role-model for him! Hehehehe.

Critical,
A.

Going Visiting with Zee Peng

2008-11-15T21:08:00.004+08:00

Went over to a friend's place on Friday afternoon, to pay him and his family a visit. To be precise, it was to say hi to his four-month old daughter. He had come over when Zee Peng was born, so it was only right for me to 回礼. For those who are not Mandarin-inclined, it just means being polite and to 'return' the visit.

He stays just a road away from my place, so I brought Zee Peng along. It was as much a chance for me to hold a little girl (As I have said before, if there were a guarantee that my next baby is a girl, I would get pregnant NOW!), as it was for me to observe my own son. Hahaha. I wonder if this is only so because of my profession!?

'Cautious' is such an apt word to describe Zee Peng.
As we went in and I greeted my friend and his family, he quietly observed the surroundings. A toy caught his eye, and as usual, he pointed towards the toy and let out a 'Err'! He then turned to me and repeated the gesture. It was only when my friend and I reassured him that it was ok to touch the toy, that he approached it and started playing.

'I am a big boy'
I think Zee Peng is a bit of a show-off. Hehehe. I was served water, and was drinking from the mug, when my dear boy came over, pointed to my mug, pulled my hand (with the mug) towards him, and started drinking from it. Ok, I do this often at home, letting Zee Peng try drinking from a mug. His problem is he is usually sips too much and too quickly, and that would cause him to choke on water. But at my friend's he did it so well. He sipped water with precision and noise (like I have not fed him water for very long), and showed that he enjoyed the drink a lot!

'Give'
Zee Peng, as usual, would go for the cloth and board books meant for the baby. He spent some time with the board books, then looked at the cloth book, and then went about other things. The next thing he knew, little girl has repossessed her favourite cloth book! Zee Peng looked on intently, at her, as well as the cloth book. When girl suddenly lost her grip and the cloth book fell to the ground, Zee Peng bent over and picked it up.

The adults around him were all saying 'Yeah, finally I get the cloth book back!'... but lo and behold, Zee Peng took the cloth book, and held it out towards my friend's girl, 'returning' it back to her!

We went home when Zee Peng started pointing towards the door. I took that as a signal that he wants to go home. And guess what? He did want to go home, as it was past his nap time and he was tired. No tantrums, whines, at least not at my friend's place. He still did his rounds of 'hand-kisses' and 'bye-byes'. He fell asleep immediately upon reaching home.

I am pleased, I will tell you that. I love well-behaved children, especially when they are in public. I thought Zee Peng did very well! This should be his first visit to another person's house since he has started walking independently. He did not walk around on his own, touch things without permission, or cause unnecessary distress to the hosts.

Well done!

Happy and proud,
A.

About Me

2008-11-09T22:42:00.001+08:00

Err err err!

2008-11-01T22:46:00.004+08:00

Venue: Cold Storage Ngee Ann City
Location: Waiting in line at the Cashier's

Hubby and I have just picked up a box of Oats with Prunes for Zee Peng, and we were waiting in line to pay for it. I was carrying Zee Peng, when he suddenly started pointing towards his left, and making his 'I want' noise... err! err! err!

(note: I am sorry, but I actually had difficulty deciding how to transcribe the sound that Zee Peng makes these days. It actually sounds a bit like 'air', but has a certain nasality to it. That's why I finally decided to use 'err'. :-P)

I thought the stacks of chocolates just across the aisle caught his eye, so I was there saying, 'OK, those are chocolates, you can't have them for dinner.' But the pointing and 'err-ing' did not stop.

Err! Err! Err! Err! Err! Err! What the?!?!

Finally, after a good 1 minute, hubby suddenly turned to me and said, 'Lao Po, I think Ziping is pointing to the refrigerator section right down at the end. I think he wants his yoghurt.'

On catching the word 'yoghurt', Zee Peng turned to look at his dad, then started his 'err-ing' once again, even louder. Ok ok, zip we went to the end of the store, to the refrigerator section, and we picked up 2 cups of his favourite fruit yoghurt, much to his satisfaction. He stopped making noise.

I am amazed. We don't frequent this supermarket. It's only during odd occasions when we will step in to pick up an item or two, things we had forgotten to buy on our last grocery trip, or exclusive items only found at Cold Storage (e.g. japanese biscuits). If I had remembered correctly, we went over to the refrigerator section once, and we did get Zee Peng yoghurt, but that was like at least 2 months ago.

From where we were standing at the Cashier's, the refrigerator was a good 10 metres away, and it was actually partially hidden by shelves and people. What exactly led Zee Peng to know that we are at a particular supermarket and there is a particular section in the supermarket that contains his favourite food, and he is actually able to point out accurately to that section, is totally beyond me.

Amazed,
A.

Fourteen Months... and walking.

2008-09-21T22:22:00.005+08:00

Zee Peng turned 14 months last Thursday. Just a week before he turned 14 months, he started to walk independently. For almost 2 months, he had needed adults to handhold (literally) him while he explored his world on his own two feet. Now, he no longer wants the handholding part, unless if he is attempting stairs, steps, or is feeling unstable himself.

As I am blogging, Zee Peng is asleep, in his cot, by himself, in his own room. If there is something I could take pride in as a mother, I guess it would be his sleeping arrangement and routine.

Zee Peng has been sleeping in his own room since birth. This was a joint decision made by hubby and I, first during my confinement so that I get decent rest while the confinement lady slept in his room. After confinement, we agreed that instead of pushing the baby cot into our room, we would continue to let Zee Peng sleep in his own room. We got a baby monitor to alert us should he wake up in the middle of the night. Of course there were times when I had to stay in his room to keep him company (especially when he is unwell, and his nasal passage gets blocked), but most of the time, he would sleep right through 6-7 hours, waking up briefly in the middle of the night, and I would just pat him back to sleep.

Zee Peng goes to bed early, at about 8.30pm. Sleeping early also means that he wakes up early, at about 6.30am. This works out just right for me, since I have to ferry Zee Peng to my mum's place before I head for work. He has his morning milk, morning bath, and we both head out at 7.30am, both fully awake. This routine has its benefits, as it leaves both hubby and I with time to ourselves. You wouldn't believe how thankful I am for these few hours. We could either catch up on our work, or spend some time together to watch TV, jap serials, movies, DVDs, or simply space out on FB. With a baby around, all these have become somewhat of a luxury. :-P

1 more hour of free time, and it's time for bed, and another day with my fourteen-month!

A.

Childcare arrangements

2008-09-17T22:42:00.004+08:00

I had to start work early today, as it's our annual workplan seminar, and I was the emcee. Given a choice to either leave the house at 6am (so that I can get Zee Peng to my mum's place before heading back up to the seminar venue, which was actually much nearer to where I live), or to leave the house at 7am, and have my mum and dad pick Zee Peng up at the seminar venue before 8am, I gladly chose the latter.

Throttled down to the seminar venue with Zee Peng. He definitely looked surprised to see so many strangers in a new place (he's not been there). Friends tried to carry him, but he flatly refused, and subsequently smiled at them when mummy continued carrying him and bringing him around. He loved the door gift I got (and now I can't find it!), and smiled widely at my mum when mum and dad arrived to pick him up. Much to our relief, he did not cry when I handed him over to my mum and they left in dad's taxi.

This is what it's all about, when you have to juggle between work and family. I am really thankful for my mum and dad, for going the extra mile when work requires me to make adjustments. I am very grateful that hubby had actually volunteered to take child care today so that I can attend my seminar without having to worry about Zee Peng. I am also very privileged to have understanding bosses who have actually suggested that I report later for work, and have allowed me to leave the seminar early (need to fetch my son from my mum's).

I was rather stunned when a colleague asked me why I had not asked my mum to come over to my place to take care of Zee Peng instead. To be honest, this thought has never crossed my mind. I am already very blessed to have such supportive parents, who lovingly offered to help me take care of Zee Peng. They didn't have to do that, really. Thus to me, it's unthinkable that I should ask them to shuttle between their place and mine. I am sure my mum would love to stay in the comfort of her home, rather than to come over to my house and take care of Zee Peng while fending off my 3 cats (hehehe, mum doesn't like cats. It took her a while to stop making the kicking action whenever the cats come close). Also travelling up and down daily takes quite a bit of effort, and I don't exactly live 2 blocks away from my mum's.

I don't know. For me, I think it's only right that I consider what is convenient for my parents, not what is convenient for me. I have a life, and so do my parents.

A.

Speechless and Saddened

2008-09-10T21:40:00.005+08:00

I didn't know what to say or how to react. We were supposed to be talking about possibilities (for our system), weren't we? Thus the response I got from my boss stumped me. She asked me if those possibilities I was talking about were mere fantasies... What the ****?

My response?
Quote: Nope, these could be realities. I do not believe they are mere fantasies. As long as there is a will to make it happen, it will happen.

Did I have to justify myself? Maybe not. Did I have too rosy a view of the current reality? Maybe. Whatever it is, that session left me speechless and saddened.

Like I told my colleague. I am not one to jump ship before I attempt to do something to save the ship. I've just been told the captain's ordered everyone to just stay in their cabins. We are sinking and we are to STAY IN THE CABIN?!?!

Sorry, I am a born renegade, I guess. Shoot me, kill me, just try making me stay in my cabin? Tan Gu Gu (Read: Wait Long Long in native Hokkien).

Ugh,
A.

OMG - I am a MOTHER!

2008-08-29T22:26:00.004+08:00

Went to the bistro to get my tea fix the other day, and only found out that I had NO cash AFTER I have put in my order for 'tea with milk, takeaway'. SHIT.

Dug for coins, dug for more coins. I had 90 cents. The tea costs a dollar. SHIT SHIT.

Damn pai seh, but I had to tell the lady to hold the tea for me. I have only 90 cents on me, will go get a dollar back at the office. The young lady beside me immediately held out her hand, and put a 10-cent coin in mine. 'Here, take this. No need to go through so much trouble.' Smile. Oh my, what a nice gesture, and what a lovely young lady.

Suddenly, a thought flashed through my mind. If Zee Peng could find such a lovely young lady as a partner, that would be really nice.

SHIT SHIT SHIT. Zee Peng is just 13 months, and there I was thinking about his future partner?!?! OMG... I am a MOTHER!

Shocked, Shocked, Shocked,
A.

Adjustments in Life

2008-08-17T23:23:00.004+08:00

I knew instinctively that once I return to work, I shall have less time for myself. While I was still able to steal half an hour here and fifteen minutes there to do some reading or blogging when I was SAHM, it's now completely Zee Peng-time after work.

Zee Peng has been adjusting very well to his new weekday lifestyle. He wakes up early in the morning at 6plus, reaches ah-ma's place at 8am. Has a short nap at 9plus, wakes up about 10plus, and that's when ah-gong comes round to pick him (and ah-ma) up for breakfast. That will at least take 2 hours (because my parents do go round the island in search of good food in the mornings - my dad's a taxi driver!), and then Zee Peng will be back at ah-ma's place to do some stretching, watch some TV, play, then it'd be nap-time again. He wakes up at about 2pm, has a late lunch, then plays till 4pm, when I come over to pick him up. Once he sees me, it'd be me and no one else. Then it's home, dinner, bathtime, playtime, bedtime with papa and me.

I have also been making adjustments in my new work life. I never did realise how hard or how much I had worked for the past 3 years before I went on maternity, until now, when I am given a rare opportunity to start slow. While I used to get bombarded with emails (at least 30 a day), now I wait for emails to come. While it was prioritisation of the work I had to do for the day (because there was just too much work to be completed!), I can now tick off my entire to-do list for the day, by the time it ends. And mind you, I am now on part-time, which means my day ends 3 hours early! It was initially hard for me to WIND DOWN to a normal working pace, and thinking back, it was scary that I nearly wanted people to give me more work because I can handle more work!! Gosh!

But if you think I am having a good life now, you are wrong. I think in some bizarre way, life is fair. Whatever energy I have left over from work gets zapped clean by Zee Peng the moment I get back into my mothering role. At the end of the day, I am completely worn out.

But hey, you know what? I think it's worth it. While time was previously all spent on work, now it's 50-50. 50 to work, and 50 to my child. Any adjustments in life is worth working at, for the time I get in return to be with my boy. :-D Even if it means low/no promotion, little/no performance bonus.

Adjusting,
A.

One Week has passed for Part-time Worker, Part-time Mother

2008-07-27T23:13:00.003+08:00

It's been a TIRING week.

Home --> Mum's Place --> Work --> Mum's Place --> Home --> Work (at home, after boy has gone to bed)

Zee Peng is already familiar with my mum (I go to mum's place twice a week, and started the ferrying him to and fro a week before I started work), so he did not seem to mind when I pass him to my mum. But my, the minute I get back from work, he is practically stuck to me. He wouldn't want anyone else to carry him, and would make noise when I leave his sight (e.g. when I go to the loo). Hubby also felt it -- the anxiety Zee Peng has whenever he loses sight of me, even when we are at home or out and about over the weekend.

Going back to work has been surreal. You see familiar faces, but they are not all that familiar because it has been a YEAR! Work has changed, job roles have changed, and I guess it will take time to get back the work momentum.

I can begin to feel the tension of working part-time, as there are already 2 meetings that I will not be able to attend as they are held in the late afternoons, after 4pm. I guess all the part-time and flexi-work schemes can ONLY really work if the entire organisation embraces this as part of the organisational work culture.

Let's all see if this work arrangement works out!

Zzzzz,
A.

The 'PART' in part-time

2008-07-18T21:04:00.002+08:00

My colleague emailed me the other day, telling me that she is considering working part-time, but that there are very few good role models of part-timers at work. My reply to her comment? Enjoy.

Yes, yes, the consequences of working part-time. In my opinion, the key word here is 'PART'. You have to part with something when you work part-time. You part with half your monthly pay. Depending on your boss, you may have to part with good work appraisals simply because there's no comparison in the amount of work you can put in, part-time vs full-time. You part with good working relationships at times because you get on people's nerves when you keep reminding them that you need to go off early in the workday. Hahahaha!

But you see, all these 'partings' may be necessary, if you want to get the 'TIME' back in part-time. :-) And that's what all mothers wish to do -- to have and spend time with their children!! Similarly you can understand why not all mothers take the part-time plunge... there's no such thing as having the best of both worlds, and being able to balance both work and family!! Either work or family suffers. Balance is a MYTH, at least in Singapore's context. :-P

Truthful,
A.

Work-Life Debate

2008-07-16T14:59:00.002+08:00

Quoted from an article from Today newspaper:

At a presentation of findings from public consultation sessions over marriage and parenthood, National Family Council (NFC) chairman,Mr Lim Soon Hock, questioned the work culture here, where employees need to be in the office to be seen as productive.
.“It’s perfectly alright that we can continue to be economically successful, but not at the expense of family. The mindset needs to be changed,” he said.

How sad, but true. But I shall remain positive (despite colleagues 'warning' me that the part-time work arrangement may not work out well, they have tried it), and not get too emotional, combative, and argumentative. After all, I have not even resumed work! (starting next Monday)

My current childcare arrangement (with mum helping out, and she is not living with me) demands that I keep to my stated work hours, and I would have to fetch my boy back by 4pm each day as my mum has her church responsibilities to fulfil in the evenings (being section leader, spiritual parent and all). I will see how it works out. I am quietly confident that with lots of discipline, determination, and creativity, I should be able to pull through.

There's no choice but for me to attend a 5pm meeting? Sure, boss. I'd have to bring my boy along! And trust me, I will.

Work-life drama/trauma(?),
A.

Tagged by my Sis

2008-06-30T22:56:00.002+08:00

Ok, ok, I know I am l.k.k. already, so I shouldn't really be doing this, hahaha. But since it's my sis who has tagged me, just feel I should fulfil her wish. :-) So here goes!

1) How many children do you want?
Because I am l.k.k., my answer will be a long one. 10 years ago, I would have said '4' (I was young and naive). Now I'd say one is more than enough. Hehe.

2) Where would you go if someone sponsors you an air ticket?
JAPAN.

3) What's your favourite thing to do?
Watch Jap serials / movies with my hubby.

4) Do you think money can buy happiness?
Are you kidding?! Of course!!

5) If you have one dream to come true, what would it be?
A truely inclusive society.

6) Do you believe you can survive without money?
Please see answer to question 4... of course NOT!

7) What are you afraid to lose?
My family.

8) If you win one million, what would you do?
Spend, spend, spend!

9) What do you dream of doing in the future?
Nothing? Hehehe! Ok ok, be serious. Still doing what I do now, but need not be with the same organisation.

10) List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
Big-hearted, humorous, very filial.

11) What makes you happy?
A job well done.

12) What type of person do you hate most?
Lazy bums who do injustice to the field of education.

13) If you could have a super-power, what would it be?
Multiplication - as in multiply myself into many me, so that I can do as much as I want to do with my life!!

14) Which season do you like?
Autumn

15) What do you think is the most important in your life?
Reciprocity of love

16) If it's the end of the world, what would be your last wish?
Err, it's already the end of the world... but if you insist, it'd be to perish with my loved ones.

17) If you have a chance to choose, would you like to come back in time?
No lah, once is enough.

18) What is the ONE thing you want badly NOW?
A new car!

19) Whom are you close to?
Hubby and Mummy

20) Who do you love?
Almost everyone around me. :-) except those identified in no. 12.

Instructions: Remove 1 question from above and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions then tag 8 people in your list. List them out at the end of this post. Notify him/her through their chatterbox.

Tagging: Weiji, Rayzor, Fiona, Liling, Stanley, PM, Iris, You

Losing a Part of Me

2008-06-27T22:50:00.005+08:00

Somehow this image of Cherian George (the ST journalist) on TV, telling the audience that where he was at now, which was under an expressway flyover (looked like PIE to me, hehe), was where his old house once stood, just kept playing in my head. It was an image that brought out sadness and a sense of resignation. For a country that prides itself to have catapulted from third world to first in 30 years, we have, in the process of economic advancement, sacrificed much of our heritage. Buildings, landmarks, language, culture...

放眼世界，心系祖国 was the slogan used not too long ago, to encourage our people towards globalisation, to go far beyond our shores to make our mark (i.e. make money), but to forge strong ties with our motherland. I have always agreed with hubby that patriotic ties towards one's country have to be forged through one's feelings towards the country, rooted by 人，景，物 (people, scenery/surroundings, tangible things). Except for the first (but even people come with an 'expiry date'), the things and surroundings in Singapore are always changing.

Today marks the day that I officially lose a part of me, my 景，物. It is the flat that I have lived for a good 26 years (and for my parents, 33 years) before I got married and got my own flat. The land where my parents' flat sits on was 'acquired' by the government two years back, i.e. en-bloc, so my parents have no choice but to move out of the flat where they have lived a good part of their lives and raised all their four children. All because this block of flat sits on prime land, and the land would most probably be used for some private housing project which will bring in the MONEY. For the sake of economic development, my fellow Singaporeans. Or else we will never be a step ahead of our neighbours...

I come from a humble, lower-middle class family. My precious flat was a humble 3-room flat, and it cost my parents $13,000 then, in 1975. My flat has always been overcrowded, for as long as I could remember. For the first 10 years of my life, the flat was occupied by my parents, my younger brother and I, my maternal grandmother, my uncle (mum's brother), and my cousin (a young lady who was taken in by my grandmother when she was very young). 7 people living in a 3-room flat, happily. :-) Then my uncle got married, and grandma and cousin moved in with him. At about the same time, my mum gave birth to my 2nd brother and youngest sister. 7-3+2=6.

We never had a sofa in the living room, not till 10 years later, I think. I remember the black-and-white TV set which had this set of sliding doors to protect the TV screen, and two huge speaker panels on either side of the screen. It was littered with stickers, I remembered. Stickers that my brother and I got from snacks we bought, like Kaka and Twisties. Hahahaha! We did have a huge dining table where the whole family gathers for makan, where my brother and I played games like 'house', 'library' under it, played table tennis on it (no joke), and where we did homework on.

I have never had the luxury of my own room... erm, do the maths and you will understand why. But we could always devise ways to mark out our 'territory', and maintain privacy (to the best of our ability!) whilst living under one roof. One bookshelf will be sub-divided amongst us -- ok I get the top 2 shelves, bro gets the other 2, the last one is for public usage. The same goes for our wardrobe, our cabinets, the reading table, etc.

There were hardly any secrets in the family... I mean, it was kind of hard to have secrets when there's just so much space between one another at any one time. So I could be on the phone embroiled in a heated quarrel with my friend/boyfriend, and the rest of the family would try to stay as quiet as possible, and try as hard as they can to pretend that they cannot hear what was being said. Hahahaha, those were the days.

People have always commented that my family is a really close-knit one. Well, if anything, space (the lack of it, to be exact) definitely plays an important role in making us close-knit! Wonderful memories of my childhood, my adolescence... would have loved to document more, like having the whole of my sec 4 class come over my humble abode for a song practice coz the church we were supposed to go to was out of bounds, and the nearest house with a piano was mine!?!?

Well, whatever it is, today is the last day I set my eyes on the dear old flat. The heart still aches, and it will continue to till the memories of it fade, together with the people who have once called it home.

Wretched,
A.

同人不同命

2008-06-23T22:13:00.002+08:00

Just the other day, my friend told me that his child would be at grandparents' day on Sundays as that's the day when the part-time helper would come in to clean the house.

Hubby and I clean the house on Sundays too, whilst Zee Peng looks on (well, he has no other choice!). We expect him to do his share of housework as soon as he is ready. Hahahaha!

New Experiences

2008-06-21T21:49:00.006+08:00

This school holidays have been lots of fun for me (and Zee Peng). :-P I had been waiting for the opportunity to bring Zee Peng for a dip in the pool, but had been procrastinating for the longest time!

First it was my mum, who suggested that I wait till Zee Peng was older, when I first mooted the idea of bringing him for a dip when he turned six months. Then there was a whole period of Zee Peng getting sick (the whole fever rash thing), teething and drooling like nobody's business. Recently it was the HFMD period. FINALLY, I forced myself to get a swimsuit for Zee Peng (and again cheapo mama did not go for the branded, better stuff... it was cheapo swimsuit from NTUC!!), and wrote on my 'To-do-during-school-hols' list to bring him for a swim.

Hubby and I made the mistake of bringing him to the seaside first. I think the sight and sound of the sea waves were overwhelming -- Zee Peng did not want to go into the water, did not like the feel of sand under his feet, and in the end we decided to put him on the bicycle! Thank goodness he enjoyed his ride on the bike. Phew!!

A few days later, we finally brought him to the swimming pool. At first he seemed a little cautious, and I was rather disappointed at his initial reaction. Interestingly, in a matter of minutes, Zee Peng started splashing water in the wading pool, going on his hands and feet and crawling in the shallow end of the pool, and he seemed a little reluctant when we pulled him out 15 minutes later. YEAH!! He takes a liking to water!! Swimming pool, here we come!!!

Elated,
A.

5 more weeks...

2008-06-15T00:21:00.001+08:00

Time really really flies. Last I remembered, I was scheduled to undergo C-section when I was 38+ weeks pregnant on 18 July 2007, all because my dear boy chose to come into this world, legs first. Yes, he was born breech... decided to play a joke on poor mama by 'swimming' back up where he was originally -- head down position. Let's hope that he will also be one who 脚踏实地.

And now, I am 5 weeks away from Zee Peng's first birthday! With that I am also saying goodbye to my SAHM status, and returning to work as a part-timer (hopefully, coz I have not heard anything about application status for part-time work!).

I have so much thoughts running in my mind, but I am finding it very difficult to articulate these thoughts one by one...

The Past Year
The past year has been... indescribable. When I first decided to take a year off to take care of my baby, I got lots of 'huh?' looks from the people I meet. Why take a year? Isn't that too long? Wouldn't that make it more difficult for you to come back to work after spending so much time with your baby?

The decision for me to take a year off work was really a personal attempt to ensure that I take motherhood seriously, and not leave the child-minding to others too conveniently. If need be, I must be mentally prepared to put my work (one that gives me lots of satisfaction and pride) down, and tend to my kid. It could be now, it could be several years down the road, but whatever it is, I must be prepared.

The one year as a full-time mum? I am so thankful for this one year (though the loss of personal income was...sigh!), to be with my boy, to witness his growth, to guide his learning, to document his every milestone, to be the one to help shape his world. Er... no, I am not into scrap-booking. Honestly, I do not have the time to do scrap-booking! In the early months, it was literally feed, sleep, shit, for baby, in a span of like 30-60 mins. And that leaves me with barely any time for anything else except the essentials (i.e. feed, sleep, shit!). As he progresses, I start becoming busy with providing him with as much stimulation as possible -- visual, auditory, tactile... Personally witnessing his growth has been an amazing journey for me. I am always amazed at how he would not be able to do something (e.g. roll over, crawl) for quite sometime, and hubby and I would feel for him, and tell ourselves that it was ok he was not reaching his milestone as he should have. Just when we think he would not be able to do for another week, then *tada* he gets the hang of it overnight!

It has been a tiring year for me, even more tiring than when I was working. Simply because when at work there's always a 'knock-off' time each day, and you continue unfinished work the next day. As a full-time mum, not living with parents or in-laws, with no domestic help, there's no 'knock-off' time!! Thus I am eternally grateful to my hubby who chips in to do the housework (hehe, in fact we were just saying this morning that I was bullying him and beginning to leave all the housework to him!!), help take care of baby while I sleep in for an extra hour, or read my papers.

Baby
Zee Peng just grows up so fast, though it sometimes seem quite slow when you are trying to count down to the next month. Fortunately for the hundreds (I think we have reached thousands) of digital photos, I would have forgotten how he looked when he was just born! My family's favourite past-time is, believe it or not, staring at the digital photo frame, looking at his photos from 0 months to 11 months. I sometimes wonder how much longer this obsession would continue... until Zee Peng turns 2? 3? 10?!?!

I have always loved cheerful babies, and I remember telling hubby that I would hope that Zee Peng is one of those cheerful babies. Zee Peng loves company. He loves chatter, loves the attention showered by the adults around him, and loves to smile. He is inquisitive, talkative, and absolutely adores animals -- cats, dogs, birds. I am a little proud mum, especially when people give compliments.

Hubby and I just braved the PC show, bringing Zee Peng along. He was good, too busy trying to make sense of all the sights and sounds around him. Funny thing that happened -- hubby carried him in his arms, with Zee Peng facing backwards, while I tagged along behind them. Zee Peng suddenly turned back to face hubby, smiling, and we saw that he had a pamphlet in his hands! We were just about to wrestle that pamphlet from him, when he proceeded to turn to a middle-aged couple standing in front of us, and stretched out his hand with the pamphlet, as if trying to pass the pamphlet to them! Hahah! We all had a good laugh, and Zee Peng did too!

Future
I go back to work part-time, knocking off at 4pm latest, so that I can fetch Zee Peng from my mum's place. Yes, he will be at my mum's place while I work. When he turns 18 months next January, he will start his day at a child care centre, where he will have 3 hours of play with his peers, then it's back to my mum's place. I am not sure how this will work out. Currently, he enjoys his time at my mum's place, though I am usually around too. We just tried leaving him with my mum for about 8 hours, and he was fine.

Well, five more weeks, and my life will once again change.

Changing,
A.

I give you 10% discount...

2008-06-14T22:27:00.004+08:00

Lo and behold, we got a 10% discount off our bill at a sushi restaurant on Tuesday, given by the outlet manager -- "because of your son" -- quoted word for word from the manager.

Hahaha, yes, we got a discount because of Zee Peng. Zee Peng was his usual self, looking at people around him at the restaurant, trying to catch their attention, and flashing his megawatt smile whenever he catches their gaze. The outlet manager was obviously attracted to Zee Peng. He came by our table many times, spoke to Zee Peng, carried him around, and gave him a free mochi ice-cream. When hubby went to the cashier to foot the bill, the manager decided to give us a discount coz Zee Peng is cute! :-)

Zee Peng really is a star when he is out and about. Twice I brought him out to long lunch gatherings with my friends, and each time he had no problems being carried by my friends, is friendly, smiles and plays well, and did not fuss even when he was tired.

He may be giving me hell at times, especially on nights when he just wouldn't sleep in properly, I am thankful that he is fuss-free whenever he is out.

Proud,
A.

Is life more complete now, with a baby?

2008-05-10T22:26:00.000+08:00

This was a question posed to me by a friend not too long ago, and I must confess, it stumped me. I did not answer her question, and proceeded with the conversation. Later when I recounted this experience with hubby, it dawned on me.

I have NEVER felt that my life was incomplete without a child! Of course, hubby and I did talk about whether to have children or not, but we were also very comfortable being married without kids. Life was complete, with my hubby, with my family and friends around me.

Interestingly, being married without kids was always a point of contention with my mum. To her, why get married if you don't want kids?! But to me, I get married because I want to share my life with the love of my life - hubby. Hehehehe!

That said, I dare say that life has become more interesting, with a baby! :-)

A.

Teaching... No Turning Back II

2008-04-19T21:39:00.005+08:00

Once in a while, I get an sms from ex-students of mine, and it always brings on a smile and a sigh of gratitude. I have left teaching for 6 years now, after deciding, in 2002, to pursue my Masters in Educational Psychology, and continue to contribute in the education service as an educational psychologist.

Students that I have first taught when they were in Secondary 1 are now all of 22 years old!! A group of them paid me a visit last CNY, and it was really good having them come over. I know how difficult it is to keep in touch with old friends, now that most of them are in University pursuing different courses, having different sets of friends, and amongst them a couple of guys went to Poly first and are now serving in the Army. It's even harder when they meet up and come over to visit an old teacher like me!! :-P

I get sms-es on my birthday, on festive holidays, on Teacher's Day, even though so many years have passed. I just got one the other day from an ex-student who has been awarded the MOE Teaching Award (Yes, I asked her if she was really sure she wanted to teach... hehehe). She sms-ed to ask if I could join her at the Scholarship Presentation Ceremony... she was supposed to invite one teacher who 'inspired her the most'... and she thought of me. Surprise surprise!

Her class was one of the best classes I have ever taught. It was an Upper Sec class, and it was the best class of that level. With such a class, I could vary my teaching methods and materials a lot. That year saw them reading up on Megawati and Gus Dur (it was Indonesian election year), and role playing them in mock political debates. They were tasked to think about Timothy McVeigh's execution (he was the person behind the Oklahoma bombing, and was scheduled to be put to death via lethal injection, if I remember correctly), and the use of capital punishment. I remembered marking their weekly diaries -- lugging 37 notebooks to and fro every week, and enjoying reading them. Hehehehe!

Memories, memories, memories... Ha, I have to reiterate that her class was ONE OF the best classes, coz as far as I can remember, I have other classes that I thoroughly enjoyed teaching, though not always for the same reasons. *wink*

Anyways, I was more than glad to say yes to the invite, and was really happy and proud to be invited. 6 years being away from teaching, there's no doubt that if given a chance, I would love to go back to school to teach... But will I ever get the chance to go back to teaching? Or does doing my Masters mean no turning back???

...
A.

No Turning Back I

2008-04-17T21:18:00.006+08:00

Zee Peng fell sick last Saturday night. It started off as a low-grade fever. I thought it was due to teething again, as he had fever the last time his first tooth erupted. The fever went up, and remained so on Sunday. Off to the GP who was one cautious doctor who told us to go to A&E should the fever persist for 2 more days.

I was practically poking Zee Peng with the ear thermometer every hour or so. His temperature remained high throughout Sunday and Monday, but surprisingly Zee Peng did not seem to be bothered by the temperature. He ate and played as usual. Hubby and I were the ones fretting over his high temperature. If his fever persists, we have to go to A&E!!! And sleep was practically non-existent as Zee Peng woke up almost every hour, wanting to be comforted.

Then came Tuesday, and he was all clear. The fever was gone suddenly and completely, but so did his appetite and energy. Lethargy set in and I wondered why... noticed some rashes on his neck and chest, but I didn't think too much about them. To my HORROR, the rashes spread to his entire trunk and his face on Wednesday morning, and that's when I pushed the panic button. Started sms-ing friends, hubby, and mum, and called the paediatrician for an appointment.

Being first-time mum, ignorant me have not heard of things like viral/fever rash... yes yes, friends had to assure me that it was normal for babies to develop a rash after fever. How was I supposed to know that it was normal?? Argh!!

Anyways, that sums up my experience with Zee Peng's first (yes, first of the many to come) major illness, and then it sank in... this is motherhood, where you fret day and night, night and day when your baby becomes ill. You have little sleep, you can't really do anything else, as your mind is just preoccupied with your child. Shitz... this is motherhood, and there's no turning back...

Stunned,
A.

By the way...

2008-04-04T21:01:00.004+08:00

Thought I would share a few pics of Zee Peng at the Zoo with you! :-)

Da-da-da-da...

2008-04-04T20:57:00.002+08:00

At 8 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days, Zee Peng mouthed his first da-da-da-da.
It happened out of the blue, he didn't do it yesterday, neither the day before, and ta-da, all of a sudden, he turns to you and says 'da-da-da-da', 'de-de-de-de'.

For the past few months it had only been long squeals and yells...
My oh my, this marks the start of my journaling his expressive language development!!!

Elated,
A.

First Visit to the Zoo

2008-03-22T21:55:00.003+08:00

Had been pestering hubby for some time to bring Zee Peng to the zoo. Hubby had previously rationalised that Zee Peng was too young to understand what he sees at the zoo.

These past weeks, we have been noticing Zee Peng's interest in our cats and in my sister-in-law's dog. He would squeal in delight when he sees the cats eat from their food bowl, and would smile when Kiki comes near and meows at him. He would try very hard to lunge forward to touch both the cats and the dog.

Yesterday hubby suggested that we make a short trip to the zoo as he thinks Zee Peng should be ready to focus his attention on moving objects. Our aim was not to attempt to stay too long orse e all animals, just an opportunity for an outdoor outing for Zee Peng to look at larger animals. :-) I was really glad that the weather was very good this morning, and I realised I was excited about the trip myself! Hahaha! It had been ages since I last visited the zoo!!

It was indeed a short trip, as we spent about 2 hours. But Zee Peng's reaction when he spots a moving animal (yes, the animal has to move, or else he can't spot it) is so rewarding. He kicks, and makes an er-er sound, as if telling us that something he sees is moving and he is very interested. Though it was only 2 hours, we managed to see the zebras, lions, tigers, giraffes, antelopes, ostriches, penguins, macaws, cheetahs, lamas, and rhinos.

Can't wait to go to the zoo again, when Zee Peng starts walking and talking!!

Contented,
A.

We bring up our children the way we were brought up...

2008-03-17T22:15:00.003+08:00

And I am quite taken aback by how true this is, now that I am bringing up my child.

I was brought up by my parents to be polite and to greet elders whenever I meet them, from a very young age. Even up till now, at 34, I still do that, greeting the neighbourly uncles and aunties whenever I see them at the void deck or in the neighbourhood.

And what do I do when I have Zee Peng with me? I will get him to 'greet' them as well... not that he knows how to greet (well, he's only a few months old), but I stop and direct his attention to the uncles and aunties, and repeat words like 'hello' and 'byebye'. He is already very good at directing his attention at these people, and would flash his social smile when they speak to him. Now he would look at strangers and respond with a smile when these strangers return the gaze. Hubby says ZP learnt the social smile from mummy, because I smile a lot at him, and smile a lot around him. Hmmmmm.

One thing's for sure, I reckon that he would start greeting people very readily once he starts talking, just like me!

Hubby was brought up in a family where his mum was a SAHM, whereas I was put under the care of my grandmother and my mum worked. This was where we had to work out how we would like to raise ZP together. He would of course love to have me at home as main caregiver, while I think it's ok to have someone else as the main caregiver, as long as there is consistency. In the end we took the middle ground - part time work for me while my mum cares for ZP while I am at work.

Similarly hubby felt that there is no need for ZP to be put in a nursery at a young age, while I think it would provide him with good learning opportunities. No prizes for guessing who went to childcare and who did not.

We do, intentionally or unintentionally, bring up our children the way we were brought up. I am taken aback by this phenomenon, because this brought on a scary thought. For people who have been brought up in unstable, disfunctional homes, they will one day be bringing up their own children. How will they bring up their children?

A.

Believe it... I am Kiasu...

2008-03-12T21:56:00.002+08:00

Zee Peng will turn 18 months in... 10 months' time.
I would like to put him in child care in the mornings once he reaches 18 months.

I have started visited child care centres around my mum's area...

Yes, believe it, I am kiasu.

Unbelievable,
A.

Sick II...

2008-03-02T23:28:00.003+08:00

Sick... this time it is for real. Ran a fever two weeks ago, complete with runny nose and cough. Fortunately the fever went after a day of medication. However, the cough and runny nose has persisted since.

Poor Zee Peng had to put up with the coughs and sneezes and blowing of the nose.

I want to get well! I want to get well!

Come to think of it, I have been plagued with all kinds of illness since on maternity / child care leave. Mysterious itches/bites on my skin, particularly my limbs (leaving ugly marks due to bad scratches... sigh!), itchy eyes (found out it's conjunctivitis) that come and go, now prolonged runny nose and cough. I think it's due to the lack of rest... immunity goes down, illness comes.

Well, hubby believes that all these illnesses will go away once I return to work. Hmm, I don't want to dwell into what that means.

Sick,
A.

Sick!

2008-02-19T21:59:00.003+08:00

No, I am not exactly sick. The plain truth is this, I am getting sick of washing and sterilising bottles. :-P I know I know, washing and sterilising bottles does not seem to be a difficult chore, and in fact it isn't. It takes like 5-10 minutes for me to wash the bottles in warm water with detergent, rinse them clean, then put them in the steam steriliser. It's just that I have been doing that, every single day, for the past 7 months (more than 200 days liao)... damn sian!!!

Those celebrity mums who look oh-so-good, rave about how great it is being full-time mums must be lying about being FULL-TIME MUMS!! I will bet my last buck that these glam mums have domestic help at home to do mundane things like washing and sterilising bottles!! :-P Ask them to do everything by themselves for a week, and let's see what they would say?

Ok, gotta get back to doing the bottles...
A.

Chinese New Year Family Photos!

2008-02-17T16:42:00.006+08:00

The time of the year where it's easy to get someone help take photos with all three of us in it!

When the one who's feeling unwell is the baby...

2008-02-05T22:23:00.000+08:00

I have to brace myself for more of such things... when baby is unwell.

Zee Peng had a bout of nasal congestion at 5 weeks, and I remember it was a tough time for both him and me. Tough for him to sleep as he would have difficulty breathing, tough for me watching him in discomfort and being unable to relieve his pain. Since that bout, he has been good. Although he does, at times, wake up with a congested nose, he has learnt to bear with the discomfort for a while he tries to clear it.

Zee Peng does not have a problem with vaccinations. While we always psych ourselves to monitor his temperature after every jab, he has managed very well (and it's been more than 10 jabs by now).

Now at 6 months, he has visited the doctor again. This time round, it's constipation. He hasn't pooped for 4 days, and since yesterday he has been straining, yet no poop. He cried today when he was trying hard to move his bowels, and I know something is not right. Zee Peng doesn't cry easily. Even when he goes for jabs, he 'cries' out for like 3 seconds, and stops once we comfort him. This despite the fact that the jabs draw blood, and would leave a mark for at least 3 days. So when he cried out today, I know I had to bring him to the doc.

Doc gave him a glycerin suppository, pushed up his ass (ouch!), and within minutes he pooped a huge hard stool... the one that had been making him uncomfortable for the past 2 days, I reckon. I really do hope that he will do a good poop tomorrow, and I promise I will be diligent in giving him LOTS of water, even though he does not like it and tends to spit it all out.

Why is it that I feel so guilty when the one who's feeling unwell is the baby...

Incompetent mum,
A.

Selfishness rears its head, again.

2008-01-22T21:27:00.000+08:00

Once in a while, selfishness rears its head, after being cleverly hidden deep down inside, buried under values, emotions, one's natural desire to play our various roles in life well. I have always wanted, and tried to be a filial daughter, a loving and supportive wife, a model sister, and a dutiful daughter-in-law. However, selfishness reared its head 5 years ago, when I decided to leave my family for the UK to do my Master's. I made the decision to do something for MYSELF, without thinking very much about how those around me would be affected by the decision.

For a full year, my parents were without a daughter, my hubby was without a wife, my siblings were without a sister.

5 years down the road, I now have acquired a new role in life - that of a mother. I want to be a responsible mother, one who does not 'outsource' childcare to others. I want to be with my child in his first year of life, and thus, I took leave from work for a full year. Motherhood has certainly put my work on hold, and I am not complaining. The past six months have been amazing, as I watch my little one grow day by day, and I am with him throughout this journey.

Six more months to go, and I now have to make decisions about how I will have to juggle time between work and family, with baby in tow. I like my work very much. I enjoy what I do, I look forward to honing my professional skills, taking on new responsibilities, playing my part in influencing policies in SN, and of course I find great fulfilment in working hard and being recognised for that.

Now that baby is in the equation, some adjustments will need to be made at work. I want to take care of my child to the best of my ability, but at the same time, I would very much like to continue what I am currently doing at work because I derive work satisfaction and self fulfilment from what I do. This thought to do something for MYSELF creeps in, even when I am clear that I want time to be with my baby.

Clearly I am still confused...
A.

A New Year - 2008... Ahhh!

2008-01-10T21:47:00.001+08:00

Finally, here comes the crunch.

The heart and mind have decided that part-time work is what I will do, as I do not want to go home everyday just in time to tuck Zee Peng to bed. Now the mind must get to work to think about HOW this is going to work out.

Ok... first I need to reactivate the part of the brain that governs work. What work?!?!

5 months going on 6

2007-12-30T14:56:00.001+08:00

Our pride. A 'happy baby', that's how Zee Peng has been often described by the people he meets in public, aside from the 'big baby' comment. Heeheehee.

He is accomplished in displaying his social smile, whenever strangers come up, smile and speak with him. Zee Peng loves social company. He likes to be in the crowd, and would actively seek eye contact with the people around him. He loves to watch people talk, and would seem mesmerised by the simple act of listening to someone talk.

As he approaches his sixth month, his vocal repertoire has expanded quite a bit. He would squeal in delight, groan in discomfort, raise his tone to hear the different types of sound he can make, cackle in laughter by the most unthinkable stimuli, such as my coughs, and his dad's 'rendition' of animal sounds.

I am eagerly waiting for him to pick up new skills in the next six months, some major developmental milestones that he will cross -- sit up unsupported, crawl, stand, cruise, grow his teeth, develop fine motor skills, etc. etc. etc.

Excited (but damn tired),
A.

Growth has finally slowed down after fifth month!

2007-12-29T13:44:00.000+08:00

The baby who went in before Zee Peng wailed loudly. Hubby and I could see that Zee Peng could hear the wail, and was actively looking around the clinic to locate the source. 'Must have just gotten the jab,' I thought. The baby came out and he was still wailing, wanting others to acknowledge the pain that he had just been through.

Yes, Zee Peng got his third 5-in-1 today. It is interesting to see how our boy has grown, simply by observing his behaviour at the clinic. I vaguely remember that he was almost oblivious to where he was in his third month. He just lay down on the examination table the way he was placed, and I don't think he registered the presence of the paediatrician. At 4 months, he rolled over the moment he was placed on the examination table, and was looking around the consultation room (walls, pictures, photos, etc.). Today, as soon as he was placed on the examination table, his gaze was fixed on the paediatrician, and he observed the paediatrician's every move and every sound. When we changed his position, he swiftly turned his head 180 degrees to face the paediatrician again.

I wonder if it's because Zee Peng has those 'thunder' thighs. He will cry when he feels the needle, but he stops as soon as we pick him up and console him. His cries lasts for about 10 secs (the time I need to pick him up). I am indeed thankful that Zee Peng does not wail every time he has to take a jab, because believe or not, he has to go for another 2 jabs next month!! I don't think I will be able to stand wailing babies who are difficult to console and pacify.

His current statistics:
Weight: 8.5kg
Length: 67cm

I am, on the one hand, glad that his growth has slowed down this month. Ever since ST published the article on overweight babies, people around us have been concerned. As written in the article, an average 6-month-old boy weighs 8kg. For Zee Peng, he had tipped 8kg at 4 months. :-P Thus it has come as a relief that he has put on just 300g in a month.

On the other hand, I can't help but ask myself if it is ok that he had only put on 300g this month! He had been feeding less as he grows. He feeds every 3 hours or so, spends less time on the breast, especially in the day, and he has started to sleep through the night, thus skipping his middle-of-the-night feed. All these may be why he had put on weight less dramatically. Well I guess I just have to check the growth charts to assure myself that I have been feeding him enough! Hehehe!

5 going on 6!
A.

The Need for Physical Act of Affection

2007-12-21T22:38:00.000+08:00

I remember one UCL tutor asking my class -- each of us -- to picture a worst case scenario. The scenario was that our own child would have a severe learning disability, and the options ranged from profound hearing impairment, visual impairment, multiple disabilities, profound intellectual impairment, severe ASD, severe learning disability, etc. We were then asked to pick the one we would want our child to have (it really sounded bizarre that we would be 'choosing' a severe learning disability for our children), and the one that we would never want our child to be diagnosed with.

I clearly remember my response. I can deal with everything else that was listed, but I would pray that my child would never be on the autism spectrum. The worst case scenario I can picture is not being able to experience the feeling of showing love and being loved... that I would not be able to display my love for my child, and to have my child show his/her love for me -- I need the reciprocity, without which I will find it hard to survive.

Of course the reciprocity of feelings need not be physical, but I guess I am by nature a touchy-feely person. -_-"

Thus I really hope that years and years down the road, hubby will still be holding my hand whenever we go out, kissing me goodbye whenever he goes to work, stealing a hug every now and then, stroking my head and praising me for being a good wife and mother.

Similarly I would really like to hold Zee Peng's hand when we go out, kiss him goodbye when he goes to school, steal a hug every now and then, and stroke his head and praise him for being a great kid -- for as long as I am allowed to do so. :-D

Being Physical,
A.

How many more......

2007-12-15T23:28:00.000+08:00

Was holding Zee Peng in my arms just now, ready to bathe him, and it suddenly struck me.

How many more months do I get to hold him in my arms, before he grows big (and large) enough to refuse to be held, but rather follow me to the bath?

How many more years will he want my attention every minute of his waking time, before he starts to think that life will be better without me around?

How many more times will his arms wrap my neck, and tell me that he loves me, before all these displays of affection becomes all too embarrassing to even think about?

Oh god, how many more children do you think I want to have?!

Struck,
A.

2nd 5-in-1 Jab at 4 months

2007-11-29T19:48:00.001+08:00

One month has come and gone, and Zee Peng went for his 2nd 5-in-1 jab today at the paediatrician's. Now I know why the government is 'generous' about giving baby bonuses... they all go into the immunisation costs. Hubby and I wonder what happens to babies whose parents cannot afford these expensive 5-in-1 jabs... do they then forego these vaccinations?

At 4 months 1 week, Zee Peng's statistics are
Weight: 8.28kg
Height: 65cm
Head Circumference: 42cm (ok, the clinic assistant didn't take this measurement, I did it myself, :-P)

Jabs always make him tired, but overall he seems to be taking the vaccinations well. Will have to monitor his temperature tonight and tomorrow. Zee Peng is still big for his age - he is really chubby, and people love commenting on his cheeks and thighs. Some would envy them, while others nearly go tsk tsk. I get asked what I feed him with... hey, it's just breast milk. His size is like an 8-month-old, and some petite 1-year-old babies look even smaller than him!

One more follow-up jab to go next month... that'd have set the poor parents back by a total of $1200!!!

Poor,
A.

Life as a full-time Mom

2007-11-13T22:52:00.000+08:00

I thought life as a full-time Mom meant I would spend all day in the house, looking after the baby, doing housework, cooking dinner, washing up, watching TV, reading, taking naps...

So how wrong can I be?

To start with, looking after the baby takes up most of my time. The last four months have been characterised by diapering, feeding, bathing, lots of carrying and soothing. Sleeping and feeding schedules were not established, and that meant everything else took a backseat while I tend to baby's needs. And when I say 'everything else', I mean EVERYTHING ELSE... meals, toileting, rest, sometimes I don't even have time to wash up! I still remember the one time when it took me 3 hours to fry fish for dinner, simply because baby was 'in his element' that day, and just would not want to be left alone for more than 5 minutes.

I was still doing quite a bit of housekeeping in the first month after my confinement. However as the months progressed, baby was sleeping less and less in the day, and being more and more active. That meant (again) less time for housework. Fortunately for me, hubby took over much of the housework, while I make time to engage baby in play whenever he is awake.

I spend quite a bit of time out of the house too -- twice a week to my mum's and twice a week to my mum-in-law's. Zee Peng's the first grandchild in both families, so naturally the grandparents love to have him around. Hubby and I bring him out on weekends too -- we need our regular dose of bookstore shopping. :-P

I can forsee myself spending a lot of time with baby in the next few months -- following his physical development, as well as new activities that I will be introducing to him (can't wait for him to be 6th month, then I can start bringing him to the public pool!).

'Me' time? I can kiss goodbye to that for a long long time... as a full-time mom.

A.

Recurring thought

2007-11-01T22:51:00.000+08:00

I get queried by one group of people when I tell them I have taken an additional 9 months off work to take care of my baby. They ask, 'Why so long?' :-P On the other hand, I get nods of approval from another group of people when I tell them about this arrangement. I do catch myself trying hard to justify my decision to stay home with baby in his first year, in order to have a ready answer for the first group of people who need to know why I have done what I have done.

Honestly there is no ready answer. Did I decide to take time off work so that I can get the idea of responsible parenthood drilled deep into me? Did I see the first year as being a crucial time of development for the baby which I do not want to miss (many people will say otherwise, I am sure)? Did I do it so that it'd be easier for someone to mind the child when he reaches 1 year old (Ok, I see parents smiling...)? Did I simply want to take a break from work and having a baby just gave me a legitimate ticket to do so?! I just did what I saw fit for myself as a mother, I guess.

Well-intentioned folks have warned me that it'd be difficult for me to want to get back to work after spending a year with the baby. Some have said it'd be difficult for the baby to get used to another adult after spending a year with me. I have rationalised that no matter it's 3 months, 6 months or a year, both baby and I will have to undergo a painful period of adjustment once I resume work. I don't think time is a factor that would minimise the adjustment woes.

I do miss my previous life as a 'worker' to a certain extent. The cerebral challenges, the social contacts, the feeling of wanting to, and making, a difference in the education field, the acquisition of new knowledge in my field of work... But I live each day with lots of pride as a stay-home mum. I see the entirety of the growth and development of my baby, I watch and help him take his every step, and I am, in many instances, the catalyst of this growth and development. I am the one to witness his first smile, his first babble, his first roll, his first grasp... And I will still be the one to see him through the year... first crawl, first words, first step (hopefully).

What do I want to do with my life? Full time mum/educator? Part time mum/educator? Whatever the decision, I will be gaining some and losing some. This will be the recurring thought that would bug me for the rest of my life I think.

Sigh,
A.

BIG BOY!

2007-10-27T22:45:00.000+08:00

Zee Peng is 14 weeks old, and he's grown to be a BIG boy.
Latest statistics, after a visit to the paediatrician for his immunisations yesterday...

Weight: 7.6 kg
Length: 64cm
Head Circumference: 41.6cm

Am really glad that he is taking the immunisations well. He is going to have to go through another 2 rounds in the coming 2 months.

Grow well, my boy, and be HAPPY always!

A.

First of many decisions to make...

2007-10-23T15:14:00.000+08:00

The deal (temptation) -- a five-day trip to China with Big Boss.
The consideration -- my baby who has just turned 3 months.

In the end, it's heart over head. I know the trip was a great opportunity. Under normal circumstances I would have said 'Yippee!' and gone. The trip's looking into special needs, and that's my passion.

With a baby, however, things change. I do not know if I am able to leave baby for 5 days. Leaving baby with my mum for 5 hours was the longest I was ever away from baby. 5 days is a different matter altogether.

The greatest consideration -- breastfeeding. Baby is currently on full breastfeed. He takes an occasional bottle when I am away, and that is done with lots of difficulty, just ask my hubby or my mum. 5 days away would mean five days without breastmilk. And he is only 3 months. ow much distress would baby be in? I don't know. Maybe for the whole five days, maybe for a day or two before he settles for formula milk. More importantly, what about my milk supply should I stop breastfeeding for 5 days? ALso, having a lactating mum with leaking breasts on an official trip is no joke. I don't suppose I will have the chance to express milk once every 3-4 hours on the trip...

So in the end it's a 'no'. It's a pity, and I'd be bluffing if I said I don't wish to be on the trip. However, I do know that this is just first of the many decisions I will have to make along the way, being a mother as well as an employee. I told my mum that I'd consider going if baby were a little older, say 6 months. But then again, who knows?

Whoever says life was easy??

:-P,
A.

Now where should I start?

2007-10-02T20:01:00.000+08:00

It has not been easy, staying at home by myself to take care of the baby, and housekeep at the same time. But I have survived nearly 7 weeks being stay-home mum, and I have experienced the greatest love and care and concern showered by closed ones. Without them, I would have never survived!

Hubby
He cleans up after meals, takes care of baby while I take a nice long bath (as opposed to 5-min 'quickies'), feeds baby so that I can take a rest, looks after baby while I catch an hour's nap, massages my sore wrist (which I suspect came from having to heave baby with one hand during bathtime), buys food home when I don't cook, makes me a nice cup of tea to perk me up, carries baby when we go out, does the laundry in the morning so that I have one less chore to do... all these little gestures mean a lot to me, because I know he too is exhausted after a long day at school. Now that I have re-started my facial, hubby has started tending to baby single-handedly for 3 hours while I am away once every fortnight.

Mummy and Daddy
My mum used to say that she would never help look after grandchildren, as she has her own life to live. I have always felt that that was the way to go. Never believed that my mum should be given the task of looking after my children. However since the birth of Zee Peng, my mum and dad has been coming over at least twice a week to take me and Zee Peng out for breakfast, before going to her place. And my mum simply cannot take her hands off Zee Peng. She will carry him, talk to him, tuck him to sleep, change his nappy, feed him (on occasions where I have left Zee Peng in her care while I go 'gallivanting', twice,to be exact). If she had the choice, I suspect she would love Zee Peng to be at her place every single day! Having her around gives me some time to myself to rest, yes, rest. If at home, I tend to want to squeeze in as much housework as possible when Zee Peng naps, and I hardly rest although I sometimes ought to. At mum's place I am left with nothing to do as mum takes care of him, thus I get some rest.

Eternally Grateful,
A.

When he smiles...

2007-09-19T13:32:00.001+08:00

When he smiles, all the poo and pee and fussing and milk-puking, loss of me-time and we-time and work-time and buddy-time, it all seems worth it!

Finally,

8 Weeks!

2007-09-12T08:54:00.000+08:00

It had seemed a lifetime, but no. Zee Peng has been out of my tummy for (only) 8 weeks! Yeah!!! Plodding on, plodding on.
Zee Peng has started displaying his social smile, but haven't quite caught that on camera yet. So for now, it's just the latest photo taken by hubby last week...

Challenging Limits

2007-09-09T13:17:00.000+08:00

Thanks to all the well wishes received, from friends and family. After 2 weeks of discomfort and tears (mostly mine), it was to our great relief that Zee Peng's blocked nose has eased tremendously. He still has blocked nose in the morning when he gets up, but it gets cleared quite soon. He is fine throughout the day. Thank goodness! :-)

It has been a trying 2 weeks, watching your baby suffer from normal ailments but at such a tender age, and there's practically nothing you can do to ease the suffering, except to drug him. To make matters worse, hubby and I actually started questioning ourselves if cat hair actually aggravates Zee Peng's condition.

As usual, there were calls for us to give the cats away. Believe it or not, I actually sobbed at the thought of having to give my cats, any one of them, away, if it is indeed confirmed that the cats and Zee Peng can't live under one roof! I cannot bear giving them away, being separated from them. I guess people who do not keep pets will never understand that they have become part of family. It's like asking me to give away my child or my sibling, no joke. So imagine how glad I was, for both my boy and my cats, when Zee Peng gradually got better. We do hope that Zee Peng will continue to grow well, and build enough immunity to live peacefully with the cats. If there's any indication, he loves looking at the sepia-toned kitten posters in his room. :-P

We have been challenging Zee Peng's limits nearly everyday the past week -- leaving him with my mum for nearly 5 hours whilst hubby and I went on a lunch-movie date, wheeling him on his new stroller (yeah, hubby got 1) to BP Plaza numerous times, each time being out longer, taking him on a trip to Ikea Alexandra which is a stone's throw away from in-law's place (and as usual, he dozes off after a while in his carrier), staying awake and not fussing whilst my friends came to visit (and I could join in most of the conversation, except when he was feeding), popping down to the pet store to get treats for the cats, etc.

I guess we will be challenging his limits continuously, as he grows day by day. Love the challenges, my boy!

Challenger,
A.

When baby's not well...

2007-08-31T22:04:00.000+08:00

Zee Peng's stuffy nose has not gotten better, and it has been more than a week. Although the decongestant prescribed by the GP last week alleviated his discomfort, it didn't work 100% of the time.

Watching and hearing Zee Peng sniff and grunt and try to take in his next breath through his blocked nose really pained me a lot. Well, it did leave me in tears a couple of times, as there's nothing else I could do but to hold him close and say reassuring words (which of course did not make the discomfort go away). Some nights were bad, as he would awake whenever his nose is blocked, and would cry out in 'pain'. That left him (and me) practically sleepless.

Hubby and I decided to see the paediatrician this week, and the first thing paed asked was whether any family member had been sick. Hubby had been sick for the past few weeks -- cough, flu, slight fever, the works. Paed then prescribed medication that would target the symptoms, and told us not to worry too much, as long as there's no fever. We had been monitoring his temperature closely, and there's been no raised temperature.

Gave Zee Peng the medication just now, and it again pains me to see him getting drowsy after the medication. He feels limp when I carry him, and that sends another stinging sensation of pain through me. He is usually strong and would flail his arms and legs even when being carried. Not when he is medicated.

I do hope that the medication will work this time round, and that I will not need to give it to him too many times. Please get well soon.

Pained,
A.

First Visit to the Polyclinic

2007-08-25T15:00:00.000+08:00

Yes, I admit it. I am a cheapo parent. After the first visit the paediatrician (when Zee Peng was 1 week old), which set us back $60 just on consultation, hubby and I decided that vaccinations for Zee Peng need not be done at the paed's. I initially thought about the private clinic nearby, which has a GP that I like a lot (he is experienced, patient, explains symptoms clearly and simply, and is very friendly), but hubby suggested the polyclinic instead.

So to the polyclinic we went today. Zee Peng is a gem whenever he is out on the carrier, we have noticed. No matter how long the journey, he would simply sleep once he's strapped on, whether we're on the road, in a taxi or on the bus. Today marks a milestone in terms of his travelling history , it is the first day we try the bus -- the polyclinic is about 5 bus stops away from home.

We did not have a prior appointment (ok, dad and mum were inexperienced), so we risked having to wait for 3 hours to be seen by the doctor. Fortunately, there was room for an additional appointment when we asked, so Zee Peng was scheduled immediately. Phew! The entire visit took about 2 hours, I had to nurse Zee Peng in between (and they have a breastfeeding room, thank goodness), but it was overall a pleasant experience. Zee Peng's reaction to the jab? A few 'cries' and a whimper, that's good! I sure hope that he continues this way for the numerous jabs that he has to endure along the way.

Hep B 2nd jab cost $15, and doctor's consultation - $4.40! Total: $19.90. I am sure the paed's would have been a few times more expensive.

Zee Peng's latest statistics at 5 weeks:
Weight: 5.275kg (interesting that the nurse rounded down instead of up!)
Length: 55 cm
Head Circumference: 39cm

Zee Peng's next vaccination appointment is in October, he will be 3 months old by then. Ok, now I just have to count the days till the next opportunity comes to weigh and measure him again!

Jabbed,
A.

Life's a blur... when you have a baby

2007-08-22T15:04:00.000+08:00

Life's but a blur (and my friend said it right when she told me baby's first year will be a blur for first time parents) for me now. Living day by day, looking after a young baby whose only communicative skill is his cries, and who needs to be fed and changed once every hour or so.

Well, actually life's but a blur specifically because I have forgotten how uninterrupted sleep feels like. Baby wakes up (on a good night) once every 2 hours for a feed, and because he didn't feel very well yesterday (had a stuffy nose and a cough), he woke every hour because he is physically uncomfortable.

I am really grateful that hubby is supportive and loving. Didn't realise how much a half-an-hour nap meant to me until hubby told me to go catch a nap while he tended to Zee Peng on Saturday night. That half-an-hour was enough to make me feel better through that wakeful night. I am now taking opportunity naps whenever baby sleeps, and that explains the lapses between posts. Now that confinement lady is gone, it's just me and myself when it comes to tending to the baby.

Squeezing this out before I go for a nap while Zee Peng is asleep. Just want to make sure that I remember to thank my hubby for being so helpful, and understanding, and loving. Well, I certainly hope that Zee Peng is just as thankful for the times I had to go without proper sleep when he grows a little older.

Tired,
A.

1 month old

2007-08-19T14:57:00.000+08:00

Finally, Zee Peng has crossed the 1month mark. He is all dressed up to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. :-) And finally, a 全家福 picture taken. All previous photos with Zee Peng were either with me or with hubby. Well, looks like this is going to be life for me henceforth, a 3-household family. It is a good thing that I am holding Zee Peng (in the picture he looked quite glum, being roused out of his sleep), as I had effectively hidden my still-wobbly tummy. Hehehe.

Looks like I will be looking after Zee Peng, and counting down to his every month reached, and his developmental milestones reached. For now, I am still waiting for him to smile spontaneously... can't wait.

Relieved,
A.

Hitting the 1-month mark...

2007-08-13T15:11:00.001+08:00

Unbelievable but true. I am 5 days away from the 1-month mark. Zee Peng will be one month old this coming Saturday!! I hate to say it, but I am counting down to the 12 months I will be spending with Zee Peng. 1 month down, 11 months to go.

I have just tried my hands on bathing Zee Peng... the feeling was... interesting. Different feeling with cats (I just got round to bathe them yesterday, poor cats!), but can't describe it fully. Spoke very little to Zee Peng when I bathed him. I guess I will be talking more to Zee Peng when I bathe him by myself once the confinement lady leaves. I bathed Zee Peng under her supervision today, and I passed, got the basics! :-P

Zee Peng is still manageable in the day -- it's the nights that intimidate me. For the past 2 days, he has been staying up for about 2 hours between 12 to 2am. He would not get back to sleep no matter what confinement lady did. His eyes would be wide open, and he would be doing his arm and leg movements non-stop. I took over at 2am on both days, and he slept at about 3am, after being fed. Wonder if it's because his last feed is via bottle... hmm...

Hubby and I have also decided to let Zee Peng remain in his current room, away from our bedroom. I do hope that I will be able to detect his cries in the middle of the night. My challenge comes once I am left alone with baby. I really must remind myself to ask for help when I need it.

It's been a month. How much longer before he coos and gurgles more, smiles, holds his head up, grabs things, rolls over, etc. etc. etc.? My friends have been extolling the 'worthiness' of parenthood. I am waiting for the moment to come.

Counting down,
A.

New Role as Mama

2007-08-05T19:46:00.000+08:00

This new role is, as I had expected, freaking me out. The only difference -- I was freaking out 9 months ago when I did not have a 'real' baby to feed and hold and take care of. Now, there's this mini-hubby&me that requires my time and energy all day and all night. There's no 6 o'clock to look forward to where I can say, ok that's it for today, let's continue tomorrow. There's no knock off time, no official working hours, no lunch break. This is the deal -- it's 24/7, in case you still have doubts.

I have to steal time from this little one to shit, eat, bathe, catch 40 winks, do my household chores, hug my hubby, read the paper, blog, talk on the phone, it's practically everything. For now I still have the confinement lady who can help 'hold the fort' while I finish my bath, or have my sleep in the middle of the night. In 12 days' time, I will be on my own. Oh my, will I be able to do it?? Will I be up to it?!

There's so much I need to learn, there's so much I don't know, there's so many questions to ask, but why do all the other mummies seem so calm and collected? Why do they know the things that I don't?

There's a concert on 29 Sep that hubby would like to attend, but for now we may have to shelve the idea. Zee Peng will only be 2 months plus, and unlike overseas where you can get people to babysit for a few hours, babysitting arrangements may be difficult at this infant stage. Sigh, the price of parenthood.

Still freaked out,
A.

Liew Zee Peng

2007-07-31T13:08:00.000+08:00

Three shots of Zee Peng about sums up his first two weeks.

1) Kicking his legs and flailing his arms frequently. Any wonder how he could distort my tummy whilst inside me?

2) Opening of both eyes simultaneously thrilled us first-time parents to bits (duh!), and his expression seems to be that of "Are you lookin' at me, dude? Any problem?" (complete with his mitten-fitted fist pointing to himself).

3) Sleeping peacefully after a feed and a change. Yes, Zee Peng likes to have his hands out. He only consents to swaddling when he is brought out of the house (e.g. during paed visit), or when it's nightfall (and I presume the weather's cool, and he feels more comfortable having hands tucked in).

Is it just me? Or do babies change in the way they look pretty fast?

Awed,
A.

My Three Poor Cats

2007-07-30T23:12:00.001+08:00

My Three Poor Cats...

Ever since I had the baby, life just ain't the same for Nana, Kiki and Momo.

Space
They used to roam around the house freely, and the sofa bed in my study used to be Momo's exclusive bed. Now, the sofa bed is in the sole possession of the confinement lady. And because my study is now Zee Peng's bedroom, the cats are no longer free to roam that room. That is one less room for my three cats.

Kiki used to love an open shelf in the kitchen, accessible when she leaps up the tabletop, onto the microwave oven, then up onto the top of the fridge. Now, the kitchen is constantly being occupied (yup, by the confinement lady), and she cooks morning, noon, and night. There goes Kiki's favourite napping place.

I have never seen Momo and Nana so close before. Because of the physical squeeze, I have been seeing Nana and Momo on the same computer table, with Momo sleeping beside hubby's LCD computer screen, and Nana standing behind the computer screen staring out at the open window.

Now both cat litter trays are in Wai Kee's study. Except in the middle of the night, the scratching post we bought for the cats (and placed in the living room) is no longer in use. My poor cats.

People
It took Kiki one full week, before she got used to the confinement lady's presence. Now she walks in front of her and tries to manja. :-P Too bad the confinement lady isn't a cat person. I have been having visitors -- my family, Wai Kee's family, our colleagues and friends, and each time the doorbell rings, Kiki and Momo go into hiding. This is indeed a stressful period for them. Nana, on the other hand, would be more than happy to be at the door to see who's the next person coming to visit.

Not to forget, for the first time in their lives, they see me at home ALL DAY. I think that takes some adjusting to, seeing me here and there and everywhere.

Attention
They used to grab hubby and my attention all the time -- in the mornings before we go to work, in the evenings when we come home. Now, my attention is primarily Zee Peng. I still feed them in the morning and evening, just that I now spend less time cuddling them, talking to them, playing with them.

Stress
It's stress for such changes in lifestyle, so much so that hubby and I have noticed they eat less and shit less.

MY POOR CATS!!

Sad,
A.

The Aftermath of Childbirth

2007-07-27T09:46:00.000+08:00

The Body
You wish it wasn't your body. I kid you not. I think I will feel much better, after I get used to it. Yes, it. Having people come into the room when you are breastfeeding, that is. I mean, they are family, but I would have appreciated a little more privacy, I guess. Some say you'd be glad you have bigger boobs after childbirth... ya right, they look totally unattractive to me right now. It's a mobile milk machine (MMM) in every sense of the word.

And oh gawd! Look at that stomach!!! It looks exactly like a 3-day-old balloon that has let out air, and has become wobbly. Touch my tummy and it wobbles like a waterbed. When I stand up, I look 4-5 months pregnant. I AM UGLY!!!

Not to mention my flabby upper arms and flabby thighs. I have no hope of losing these fats anytime soon as I have been fed like a pig for the past week, thanks to the old custom of confinement. The amount of meat I have had... god knows, by the end of the month, I could have eaten a whole pig, complete with its innards and who-knows-what-that-is kind of stuff.

I do hope that the massage that's gonna start next week will help!!

The Confinement
I don't know how others did their confinement. I think some got their mums or mums-in-law to help out during this period. My mum can't cook, so she got me a very experienced confinement lady, who has been in this business for 18 years. On the other hand, I think my mum-in-law would have loved to help me with confinement, if not for the fact that I had hired someone. It's very interesting how these older folk get together, and start discussing what to eat, how to cook, what to do, what not to do etc. If not for their ages, I think these discussions could lead to fights! Why do they differ? Largely because of differing practices in the various dialect groups. My mum-in-law (Cantonese) does things differently from the confinement lady (Teochew). I am Hokkien, but because my mum does not know how to cook, she is left out of these conversations!

My mum-in-law was quite peeved that the confinement lady added soy sauce to her pot of vinegared pig trotters (I couldn't believe it too, but I ate them...) for more flavour. The confinement lady was telling me that the rice that my mum-in-law asked her to use for the red date tea is the wrong kind of rice. I told her plainly, just put the (bloody god-damned*what's in my mind) rice into the tea, no need to ask questions, I will still drink. Get it?!

And my, it is difficult to get used to having someone else in the house. Hubby and I have been living happily by ourselves for the past 7 years, and now I count down to the end of my confinement. The confinement lady is really good. She cooks well, she helps with the laundry, the housework, the baby, especially the nights. In fact I learnt quite a bit from her about handling babies at bathtime, at bedtime, etc. It's just that it's not the same having an additional person in the house. I secretly wish I could ask her to go earlier, but I've got no excuse, and it's not very nice that you ask her to leave earlier - it means she earns less. It's been a week now... so three more weeks to go before she leaves us. Please let the time pass as quickly as possible!!

I bathe everyday (well, I did abstain for the first 5 days), I wash my hair (once every two days, not everyday as I used to), I read, I blog, I do my unfinished work, I feed and feed and feed my baby. Haven't really been 'resting', if resting meant lying down on the bed and sleeping. That's why the confinement lady gave me disapproving looks in the past week, and kept asking me to rest in bed, coz that's what mothers in confinement should do. :-P I think she has gotten used to me now. No point telling me what to do. I'll do what I want to do.

The only thing I am not allowed to do (this is by hubby) is to leave home, unless necessary. He has promised that at the end of this confinement period, we are going for good sashimi, without the baby (!!). We'll see. ;-)

First-time (and last) mum,
A.

The Anticipated Arrival

2007-07-23T22:56:00.001+08:00

As promised, a photo of myself at the last stage of pregnancy... This was taken on 13 Jul (ref last blog), the day Zee Peng announced his chosen way of meeting us.

The anticipated arrival of a new life awaits me and hubby. Right after the gynae's visit, we went for a small 'celebration' -- a treat at Japanese restaurant where I had my Wagyu Beef Don, and he got his Sukiyaki!

Birth by Caesarian

Well, it wasn't good news for my mum and dad when they received news that I had to go under the knife. In fact, they could not sleep at all, the night they received the news. I know that they started praying for my well being, and it was actually quite heart-breaking for me. I am, after all, 33, and am still making my parents worried. Hubby was the other one who could not rest well. He, too, was worried for my safety. Come to think of it, I will be the first in the 2 families to undergo a surgical operation.

For me, I did not have much time to think about the operation. In fact, work occupied me for the rest of the few days. The 2 days I had left in the office was quite a frenzy, as I had some handing over to do, as well as clearing of my belongings. There I was, trying to do as much as I can, and there colleagues and hubby were asking me to go home early. In the end, I left in such a hurry (and I am forever thankful for such fantastic colleagues who helped me bring my stuff down to the car) that I even forgot to leave a goodbye message for all at work! Sigh!

Invasion of MY Body

Wednesday, 18 JUL, the big day came. I have never experienced such 'invasive' medical treatment in my entire life, and hey, what do you know? The many 'firsts' my son made me and my hubby go through, before we got to see him!

Never in my life have I had so many needles and tubes poked into me. First time on the drip, first time being served something right up my a** to clear my bowels, first time in the operating theatre, first time taking in anaesthetics through the spinal cord, and experiencing the involuntary shivers due to the effects of the epidural. Not to mention the dreaded urine catheter. Don't even ask me how it was there in the first place, think that was done when I was still under epidural.

See Me? Not so easy, Mummy

That seemed to be Zee Peng's message for me. While I was half drugged, and was being cut up, I was eagerly anticipating that first cry. However, that cry came quite late, and I was really worried. It was only later that hubby recounted the birth. As promised, Zee Peng came to the world legs first. But he didn't just slip out of my cut-up womb. Apparently, Zee Peng's head was a tad too big, and my gynae had to cut me up a little further so as to pull him out from me.

And my hubby had to worry for both me and Zee Peng -- there I was being sewn up, and there the little one was, getting fluid sucked out of his nose and mouth. That was the reason why he did not cry as quickly as I had expected.

Just when I thought that I could hold my baby, I waited in vain. Zee Peng was breathing hastily, and had to be whisked to the Intensive Care Unit as his breathing pattern was poor. My poor hubby was then whisked to the ICU together with Zee Peng, whilst I was left to recover. I only caught a GLIMPSE of Zee Peng (and a glimpse it was) in the operating theatre.

Zee Peng had to be given extra oxygen to help him breathe. The x-ray done on his lungs didn't look very good -- he could have lung infection, so they had to run further culture tests. Before these test results are out, and he is cleared, Zee Peng would have to stay in the ICU. Only Hubby, my mum and my mum-in-law got to see Zee Peng that day. I was bed-bound.

This is Zee Peng in the evening, when the oxygen 'box' that was put over his head had been taken off as he was breathing much better. As you can see, there's a cloth tied across his cot. Apparently he was kicking so much that, in order to protect the monitors stuck to the back of his foot, the nurses had to put up the barrier.

I could only see Zee Peng through the pictures and mpeg files taken by hubby. THAT described the birth of my son, the day where he was born to the world, but had no mummy or daddy hold him in their arms.

Finally

And finally, on 19 Jul, I could hold Zee Peng in my arms!

Relieved mum,

p.s. this post was supposed to have been put up yesterday, but guess what, motherhood has left me busy busy busy, that I could only finish this post tonight!

And what made us think that we were in control??

2007-07-13T21:40:00.000+08:00

How ironic! Grownups fretting over how the delivery will be, when the baby will arrive, whether he'll be a Cancer or a Leo (?!?!). DUH! As if we have any control over all these things. But little did I expect Zee Peng to be in total control over this entire delivery process.

His body had shifted, his head had been down my abdomen, since the 28th week. The last time we checked (and that was 7 days ago), his position was fine. But what do we know? Today's visit to the gynae, and guess what? The gynae let out a perplexed 'Huh?'

Yes, our boy has decided that 10 weeks in a particular position did not seem too much fun for him, so for the last 7 days, when he was stretching and shoving inside me, he was actually moving back up!!! Now, his head is back up where my ribcage is, and the gynae proclaimed, "Ah Pui has decided for mummy how he would want to come out."

BREECH = C-SEC!

So it will be a scheduled delivery... next Wednesday it shall be. All in all, Zee Peng totally controlled the 'how' and 'when' he will be seeing this world, no joke.

The news stunned hubby and I for a while, and I think we are still recovering from the shock. But yes, I will be delivering next Wednesday, as decided by my son!

Shocked,
A.

This is it! The FINALE!!

2007-07-11T18:10:00.000+08:00

Yes, this is it! The FINALE!!
16 more days to baby's due date, that is 27 Jul 07. I am still working up to this point, hoping to clear my work before I pop. I am still driving, much to the dismay of many of my colleagues (and I wonder why!). The waiting game is excruciating, I think more so for hubby. The first 8 months were easier, compared to the conscious counting down of days now.

Ah Pui is still growing, last checked he's about 3.6kg!! His movements aren't decreasing, not by my standards. I can feel his hands and legs everywhere, trying to expand the current limited space he is in. My tummy gets shoved, pushed, distorted, expanded, and sometimes, his movements are in rapid successions... so much so that it looks as if my tummy is on vibration mode! Hahaha!!

I read that in the last stage of pregnancy the baby's movements decrease. If the decrease is an impending sign of labour, I can safely say that I am far from labour day. :-P

Well, will baby come to this world a Cancer or a Leo?? It all depends on him now! Can't wait for you to be OUT, Zee Peng!!

Bruised,
A.

No Pay Leave

2007-06-28T20:17:00.000+08:00

Never thought I would ever have a reason to apply for No Pay Leave. At least not before this surprise pregnancy. :-P Started work in 1997, and had been gainfully employed for the last 10 years. Finally the time has come for me to have a legitimate reason to get off work for a while.

Having a baby really sets one thinking and rethinking, prioritising and reprioritising... one event itself changes two whole lives - that of the daddy and mummy! Sigh!

Discussed with hubby quite a bit about how long I should be away from work, and this started even in my early stages of pregnancy. On the one hand, I think I needed to mentally psych myself up for the impending changes in lifestyle (yes, can anyone even imagine me staying at home to tend to baby?), and on the other hand I felt that I needed to sound my bosses out as early as possible, about my leave plans, so that they will not be taken aback by the decision, and that they will be able to make necessary personnel plans way in advance.

Hubby and I decided quite early that I would stay home for the first year, before I resume work (I still have 8 months of bond to fulfil) and have my mother-in-law take over the childcare duty. I had been telling colleagues and my supervisor about my plans. But plans are just plans. The real crunch comes when you actually apply for leave approval.

I wanted to get these admin stuff (application for maternity and no pay leave) out of the way asap, as I still have lots to wrap up at work, so wrote an email to my boss yesterday to ask for approval.

She fully supports my application. No questions asked.

My, am I blessed. No need for long discussions and negotiations, no need for compromises, just a straight yes. :-D

So I am ready to embark on my 1-year full time Diploma in Child Care!! And yes, I'll be back (at work)!

Happy,
A.

Making Way for the Baby

2007-06-17T22:20:00.001+08:00

I can't believe how much shopping I have done this past 2 weeks. And all these for the baby... and the new mum!

The baby cot arrived on Monday... the day before I dragged hubby to the Expo, and got extra nappies, liners, wet wipes, a swaddle, nursing bras... Went out with mum-in-law on Wednesday, and got kiddy wash detergent, an electric breast pump (yes, thought of borrowing one, in the end succumbed to a good offer at John Little... sigh!), got two pjs yesterday for hospital stay and beyond. Oh yes, not mentioning the 2 nice baby tops that hubby picked out at Mothercare, and us splurging on cute bibs. My gosh!

My cats must have suffered quite a shock this week too, having to adjust to the many changes in the house. We put up the overhead clothes hanger over the weekend (to hang the washing [read: nappies] indoors... we had the original ones taken out from the kitchen when we first moved in six years ago, wrong move, we realised, six years later!), bought the cats a new scratcher lined with catnip (never saw Nana in such a crazed state!!), a new covered litter tray with flap (erm, another wrong move, coz the cats didn't know how to push the flap! In the end we had to remove the flap before they used it).

The cot proved to be an attraction for Nana and Kiki, so I had no choice but to whip out the ever-reliant water spray. I only had to spray them once, when they tried to jump onto the cot, and they immediately understood that the cot is a no-go zone. Hubby, on the other hand, was devastated that his cats were subjected to such cruelty... there's no other way, man. And he knows it very well.

I just reorganised my study today so that the cot could be placed in a nice corner of the room. The table originally in my room is now placed in the living area, sort of like our new dining table. :-P Well, even I would need some time to get used to the new arrangement of the room.

Also packed my hospital bag. All ready for the big day. Hubby is tired of the long wait... hahaha... would love to hold the baby outside of my body... counting down to 5 more weeks! Grow, my dear boy, and get ready to come into our less-than-perfect world, and meet your definitely less-than-perfect mum and dad!!

Nesting,
A.

Fleeting Thoughts

2007-06-16T23:25:00.000+08:00

Thought 1
Was brushing my teeth this morning, when I suddenly thought about how my health has been. I have been very healthy throughout my pregnancy, thank god. Except for a half day MC I took on the first day of school (which I believe had a lot to do with the stressful meeting I had to sit in that morning) due to a splitting headache, I had not taken another MC throughout these 7 months. Yeah!

Why? Why didn't I fall sick or something? Don't pregnant women fall sick more easily? And then I realise, I have been very blessed throughout my pregnancy. Be it at home or at work. My workload this year has been adjusted so much, compared to last year, thanks to my bosses. Hubby has been surviving on quite a bit of hawker food, as I have not been cooking as often as I should have. Being surrounded with understanding people really makes life less pressurising, and I think that contributes a lot to better health. I owe my good health to them!!

Thought 2
I can't give birth now... I can't give birth yet. I still have work to do, and I need TIME! But I can't stand the thought of having to heave the extra 11kg for another 5 weeks... I want out, I want to be able to sleep on my back again, I want to be able to see my feet again. Argh!!!

A.

The Verdict is Out - Ah Pui!

2007-06-11T22:03:00.000+08:00

Ah Pui - that is the latest name coined by my gynae when he 'saw' my baby through the scan. While baby's estimated weight was 1.4kg a month ago, he has ballooned to 2.7kg this month!! And there's 6 more weeks before the baby is due!!!

My gynae decided that he needed us to do some investigation -- to see if hubby and my family have a history of big babies. After questioning our mums, the verdict is out!

Hubby's family -- 1st child: 4.3kg, 2nd child (i.e. hubby): 3.8kg, 3rd child: 3.0kg.
My family -- 1st child (i.e. me): 2.9kg, 2nd child: 2.7kg, 3rd child: 3.0kg, 4th child: 3.2kg.

Ok, my side is clear. It's hubby's genes for sure. Gynae did say that if child continues at this rate of growth, I will have to have a C-sec!

Sigh, my dear boy. Try not to gain too much weight during the next few weeks, ok? I can't imagine giving birth to a 4.3kg baby!!!!

Ah Pui's mum,
A.

Documenting growth

2007-05-28T21:53:00.001+08:00

These few pictures document the growth of me, more accurately the growth of the little baby, who has been living IN me for the past 32 weeks.

Photos taken in February, March, April and May... can you see how much weight I have gained?? About 11 kg, to be exact, and still growing.

The most recent picture (the one in the gawdy black dress) scared the wits out of me and hubby!! I am SO BIG!!!

The only reason why I smiled so widely... I did not realise how ugly I looked, until the picture was taken. :-(

8 more weeks... I will make sure I get the ugliest picture up, before I pop! :-P

FAT,
A.

Work, work, work...

2007-05-12T11:16:00.000+08:00

It's been work, work, and lots of work for the past few weeks. One work event after another, one school visit after another, and boy, am I pleasantly surprised that the pregnancy did not get in the way! :-P I am beginning to believe my hubby... that I am one of those 'peasant folk mums-to-be' who could work in the fields all day long till the day of delivery!

Little baby has been quite good, no complains about the amount of time I spent at work, on my feet, in my chair, etc. He tends to kick a lot in my tummy this week though, especially during meetings (the times where my physical body is in static... and I tend to feel movements more easily). My colleagues have caught glimpses of the huge tummy movements he had caused, much to their delight. :-)

Lugging around an additional 10kg is indeed a feat (and thus I salute ALL mothers!), and knowing that my waist is now a whopping 37 inches isn't exactly something to cheer about, but once work kicks in, it's no different, pregnant or not. One thing though, I do get tired and find it difficult to work in the evenings. While hubby does his marking and lesson preparation, I... sleep... -_-''

Yes, and it'll still be work work work for the next 10-11 weeks. Looking forward to giving birth? ............

Worker,
A.

The LAST Trimester... the start of discomfort?

2007-04-30T21:28:00.000+08:00

As I am typing, the little boy is kicking. He's kicking the top of my tummy, the side of my tummy, the bottom of my tummy... everywhere! Is the tummy too small for him? Will there be enough room as I proceed onto the third trimester?

And the mummies are right about discomfort. I have been finding it difficult to sleep the past few days. I don't know if it's the baby's constant movement, or his sheer weight, or whatever, sleep has been intermittent. Ok, and I have to live with the fact that this discomfort has to last for another 12 weeks?!?! Oh my goodness!!!

Let's countdown to my labour, and Happy Labour Day to all!!!

Laborious,
A.

Searching for Cats

2007-04-16T22:42:00.000+08:00

Hubby had been lamenting about the lack of cats to feed, ever since
1) we took in Momo last Oct; and
2) 'crooked tail' was taken in by our 1st floor neighbours in Dec.

You see, Momo was the original resident cat living at the void deck. After 4 years, 5 litters, one month of intensive feeding, expensive sterilisation (because we reached clinic at 8.32pm!! 2 minutes past opening hours and we had to pay emergency rates), we decided to keep her for good. After two weeks of the creation of a vacuum, 'crooked tail' came along to occupy Momo's space.

For some weeks, hubby and I were happily feeding 'crooked tail' every evening at the void deck. He (yes, one of the only male kittens who took a liking for us thus far) would trot to us, tail high up, rub himself all over me and my hubby, and proceed to eat his share of kibble. However, after a month or so, he disappeared. It was only later that we learnt that he was taken in by the 1st floor neighbours.

Since then, the void deck has been left a vacuum. Our hopes of seeing a new 'tenant' did not materialise. Hubby started to wonder why other areas had so many cats for people to feed, while we had none. He would always enquire about the 2 cats at my workplace (which I feed whenever they are spotted around my car), and get somewhat envious that I could indulge in an activity that he had no opportunity of performing.

He came back last week, and told me with excitement that he spotted a tabby while on his way to the LRT (that was the day when I did not drive him to work), and we started looking around those few blocks near the LRT, in search of the mysterious tabby. As luck would have it, we spotted it on the second night. The kitten (probably about 6-8 months) was afraid to come near us, but went for the kibble after we left it near the hedge it was hiding in. We didn't have any luck the next two days, but the following day, we spotted another kitten. Ok, there's more than one cat/kitten in that area.

Hubby and I started to look for their hiding place. We found it, at the basement carpark, and we also found a bowl of water placed near their hiding place. So someone else is taking care of the kittens. My, are we elated!

We now know there's at least 4 cats living in the multi-storey carpark. I am not sure if hubby is ready to do the TNRM -- Trap, Neuter, Return and Manage. The last time we did that, we ended up having Momo as our 3rd cat. In his words, we TNKM!!! K for keep. :-P

It will be quite difficult for us to spend time to trap and neuter the cats, as my belly balloons day after day. But I do hope that these cats are safe from the hands of maniacs and perverts who torture and kill cats.

I think hubby feels a lot better, after seeing that the cats are already taken care of by someone in the neighbourhood. I do feel that his dream of setting up a Senja Cats Club (well, you see, we have a bunch of dog enthusiasts who have set up a Dog's Club for dog lovers) can be materialised.

Hubby has also started thinking about his post-retirement activity... walking around, and searching for cats to feed, neuter, manage!

In love with felines,
A.

Of Sleep and Bump

2007-04-04T23:02:00.000+08:00

Is it because I am pregnant? Hubby noted that I have been needing sleep ever since I got pregnant. I can head straight to the bed after dinner, catch 40 winks, before I go for my bath.

I have become totally hopeless at night, unable to do any productive work at nightfall. According to hubby's description, I would 'power on laptop, play spider solitaire, read on-line pregnancy websites, then plonk onto bed'. My body surrenders when the clock strikes 11pm, 11.30pm at most.

Talking about sleep, my cats have come to a consensus of sorts when it comes to their daily sleeping arrangements. Kiki opens up my wardrobe door with her paws every night, and sleeps on the wardrobe floor. Nana would either take the upholstery next to the bed (where I put my alarm clock) or sleep on the bed, near my feet. Momo comes in once in a while, and would occupy the space near my feet whenever it's available. There were a couple of times when Momo would jump onto the space early in the evening to 'chope' the premise.

Hubby and I have had a couple of nights where all three cats come in and rest. Ah, it'd be interesting once baby comes along. I think we will need to get cats to get used to sleeping outside soon. Target? We will close the bedroom door at night once I reach 3rd trimester. Although that's the target, it'd be difficult, almost painful, for us to keep the room out of bounds to our cats. I know it cannot be helped, and is something that needs to be done to ensure the safety of the newborn. Well, let's see if we are able to do it when the time comes.

And yes, went on a mindless shopping spree last weekend, tried on (AND bought) some maternity clothes, and realised that the bump has really grown. It's protuding so much... I just get bigger and bulkier and uglier by the day!!!

Yes, and baby's movements have increased in frequency, duration and intensity. It's actually a rather amusing sight watching your own belly shift and move and vibrate when the baby moves. Have read that I am supposed to monitor the frequency of movements from 3rd trimester... not sure if I'd be able to do it!

Exhausted,
A.

And I am 33!

2007-03-19T22:15:00.000+08:00

And I turn 33 today! To tell you the truth, the digit that comes after the big 3 has little, if any impact on me. I think once you cross the 30-hurdle (with it came the shock, disbelief, denial, disillusionment, grief, and then finally acceptance), the increase that comes with each coming year after that amounts to nothing.

With the new age comes the new role that I have to play in 4 months' time -- that of a parent. Now that I am pregnant, I think birthdays should be celebrated BY mothers, FOR mothers. The birthdays of their children mark the day they came out of the labour ward ALIVE! They should celebrate these birthdays every year to remind themselves of their courage and bravery and tenacity, in carrying their children full-term, enduring all sorts of trauma set upon on them physically and mentally, and actually going through labour! :-P Ya, I know, I am spouting rubbish.

Had a great birthday celebration this year (I still have another celebration tomorrow, dinner with my parents!). Hubby did up a lovely birthday card (he used to do loads when we were still dating), and we tried out the food at a new Jap restaurant at Vivocity, Shin Kushiya. Went there on a Friday so that we need not jostle with the huge weekend crowd. The food was good, the dessert better, and then we went for the movie, Hearty Paws (weepy Korean movie about dog-and-boy relationship). Awww... cried buckets in the cinema, then went straight home to cuddle my 3 cats! Hahahaha!

Had lunch with mother-in-law on Sunday. It's usually dinner, but yesterday I had to pick my friend up from the airport (she came all the way from Isle of Man with her mum), so had to skip dinner with her. She had intended to fry hokkien mee and chicken wings to celebrate my birthday, so we settled for lunch. The hokkien mee was excellent! I'm hokkien, and I don't exactly know how to fry hokkien mee. Hehehehe! And I was really surprised that she remembered my birthday. :-)

And the many sms-es I received today from friends just made my day. I think I am going to enjoy my 33rd year, just as I did the last 32 years of my life!

Old but happy,
A.

Our 4 'children'!

2007-03-05T22:32:00.000+08:00

Our first and second 'children', Nana (foreground) and Kiki (background, on hubby's blanket).
Kiki is the cat that always lazes around in the day. You can see her on the bed when you leave house, and a few hours later, when you come back, she will still be at the exact spot.
Nana is always on the move. Hard to get a nice shot of her sleeping, because she quickly notices that you have the camera with you, and she will leap into action almost immediately!

This is our 3rd 'child' Momo. Well, strictly speaking, she is Kiki's mother, but to us, she is our child too.
Momo does not really recognise Kiki, and up till now, Momo hasn't really been on friendly terms with Nana and Kiki. She's been with us since Oct last year, and her facial features have softened, she is beginning to play with the scratching station, the twine that is attached to the station, the cloth mouse with a bell attached.
She loves to be touched, stroked, and we love to hear her purr!
And there, you see the bulging belly, and that is child no. 4 coming soon to our home. :-)
As you can see (I do not exaggerate), Nana immediately leaps onto the table, as she is aware of the camera on hubby's hand.
Hubby is quite proud of the shot, as Nana and I are facing the camera at the same time.
Well, the belly may seem small to you, but I am definitely feeling the weight. It's going to get bigger, I know, and as much as I'd like him to grow and grow, I am certainly quite fearful of having a larger and larger belly!

Proud Mum,
A.

And he made the first move!

2007-03-03T22:55:00.000+08:00

I have had so many people ask me if I have felt the baby move yet, and I have no choice but to disappoint them. Like I told them, read that women with strong abdominal muscles or women who are overweight may feel the baby move later, so I would love to believe that I do have strong abdominal muscles. Haha! Anyway I have just passed 19th week, so no rush.

However, at about 6am in the morning, I was awakened by a sudden nudge in my belly. He moved, did he not?! And I felt it!! He had made his first move... ehm actually it's the first time I feel him move! And the nudge came again, and again. Gosh!

Hubby was awakened then, so I told him about the movement I have felt. He put his hand on my belly, and he too could feel slight nudges.

Hahah, although I am still not sure if this is the actual feeling I should be experiencing, the feeling was inexplicable. Ok man, little boy. Grow and grow and come out quickly!!! And yes, something alive is really in my body!

Unbelievable,
A.

Surprise Gathering

2007-03-03T22:07:00.000+08:00

Got an sms from ex-student asking if he could come and visit the cats and me. He has been to our house a couple of times to play with Nana, hubby and I were not going anywhere on a Friday night (too tired out by a whole week's work!), so it was a yes.

It just so happened that mum had just borrowed my car for the weekend, so I was car-less. Hubby and I decided to have dinner at BP plaza before heading home. The only way home after dinner was to walk back, so we inevitably passed by the LRT station nearest to our home.

'你的学生?' my hubby asked as we approached a group of youngsters at the LRT entrance. There, I got to see 6 of my ex-students, the ones I had taught in 2001 when they were in Sec 3. Hang on! I thought only one was coming, and he was coming for my cats??

'Aiyah! No more surprise already!' lamented the student who had smsed me. Oh god! It was really a surprise for me, as I had not expected any guests to my house this CNY, least of all the students I have taught six years ago!!

9 of them turned up altogether, with one rushing from her event at her University hall to come visit me. Kan-do shimasu! The 15-year-olds are now 21, and oh I feel so old. While the girls are already in their 2nd-year in U, many of the guys are nearing their ORD, and will be starting their studies soon. Some of the other guys just completed their poly, and are now serving NS.

I had not expected the visit, and it was really great seeing them. Although part of the surprise was 'spoilt' by me, I was still grateful to my ex-student for arranging the visit. It really made my day.

I really don't know how long it will be before I am faced with one of my ex-students with his/her wedding invitation. Oh my god!

Happy,
A.